Tormented Souls
by Urban Rose
Summary: Ever wondered what if... what path your life may have taken if something had been different? Or how one decision, one moment could have changed your life? One moment for Bella will mean the difference between life and death or for her... One moment really can change your life as Bella finds out. FOLLOW BOTH HER LIVES Full Summary inside. BELLA/JACOB B/J Bella x Jacob Jake Bells
1. Chapter 1

**Author:** Urban Rose

**Pairing**: Jacob/Bella

**Genre: ** Angst, regret and romance.

**Rating**: M ( just in case)

**Summary**:

Ever wondered what if... what path your life may have taken if something had been different? Or how one decision, one moment could have changed your life...?

One moment for Bella will mean the difference between life and death or for her, life and vampirism... One moment really can change your life as Bella finds out.

This story is split into two separate realities which will run in tandem; In one Bella wakes up as a new-born vampire, while in the other she remains a human, but neither is the reality she realized all too late, that she wanted, and her previous decisions come back to haunt her.

Some demons you can't out run; no matter how hard you try.

**Beta: Patricia aka Pece87**

**Pre-Reader:** **Tonyamic10**

**In Progress**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. **

A/N: The first half of this story is based in Breaking Dawn part one (wedding scene, so no doubt it will appear really similar in places- I wrote it from memory so it may be a bad merger of the movie and the book sorry guys. Hopefully it's not too bad!

I am really worried this story will disappoint you especially if you read my Halloween entry and voted but the Human story should be happier :) I've nearly finished the vampire side which I'll post first so you can see how Bella ended up on James Island that day.

This chapter is the start for both Vampire Bella's story & Human Bella's story.

**Tormented Souls**

_**Chapter ONE:- **__The day it all changed_

**Four Years ago- August 13****th**

He sighed, as the song came to an end. "Can I have another dance or is that asking too much?" Not wanting to let him go so soon, I tightened my hand around his, as his own tightened around my waist; neither of us, quite ready to let go of the other. "You can have as many as you want," I whispered, he chuckled in response, "Hmmm, that could be interesting but I think I better stop at two, let you get back to the… er party".

"You would think I would be used to telling you goodbye by now", he murmured into my hair, I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it refused to move. He pulled back a little, startling me, as I tried to cling to him tighter, as he tilted my face to look up at his, "Bells, you're not meant to cry on your-" He coughed, "special day", he wiped his fingers across my cheeks, wiping away the tears, I hadn't realized I was crying. "Everyone cries at weddings", I mumbled in response, he cocked an eyebrow at me, "Erm but the br- the girl, isn't meant to be the one crying, unless they are happy tears."

I swallowed thickly.

"And you're happy right?" He asks, his fingers lifting my chin so he can look straight into my eyes, I try to duck my chin, to avoid his scrutiny, but he keeps it firmly in place. "Bells look at me. This is what you wanted right?" Wanted… yes, it was… so I nod, keeping my eyes closed.

"Well then smile. If I know this is what you want, it will make it easier for me to-"

"Don't. don't say it Jake. Please."

"Smile then Bells," I tried, and he laughed at what must have looked more like a grimace. "Just give me this Bella, let me remember you like this; happy and smiling, with big brown eyes, blushing pink cheeks, and a healthy glow. Let me pretend-"

"Pretend?! Pretend what? That I died?"

His jaw clenched, and I felt him stiffen, "Bells please. I don't want to fight, that isn't why I came." I could see him warring with himself. I knew exactly what he was thinking and what he was struggling not to say. Anger flashed through me, at him, trying to placate me, so unlike the normal Jake, like my Jake. Without thinking I stomped hard on his foot, making him laugh huskily. "Ah there's my girl", my heart leaped at his words, racing, I knew he could hear it, if he couldn't feel already it hammering against my chest. He went to speak, but he clenched his jaw closed, again. And I felt my temper flare; again. When had things gotten so difficult between us? It used to be so easy, so natural. But ever since Edward had come back it had been so fraught with tension, unsaid sentiments, and emotions. Our once easy going innate relationship was now overwrought, like now there was a massive elephant in the room, and we were quite literally dancing around it. Neither of us wanted to talk about my fast approaching change, which Jacob, couldn't and would not ever accept or understand and yet again it was causing so much strain between us.

"Just say it Jake."

"What?" He asks distracted.

"I know you want to say something-" He goes to deny it, I push my finger to his lips, "you look like you're chewing on a wasp's nest. Say it, and then you can relax knowing you said your piece."

"I don't want to say anything." This time it is my turn to arch an eyebrow at him, he chuckles, but it isn't a genuine one, I knew because I know him better than I know myself, and I knew then that whatever he wanted to say, was going to hurt him, "I don't- it isn't-I- I want to ask - no I need to know something- I need you to tell me – I need – ugh- It doesn't matter."

As I watched him fight with the need and want of knowing the answer to whatever he wanted to ask warring with the not knowing, debating which one would cause him the most pain, the knowing or not knowing, I knew then what it was he wanted to ask, as he kicked his shoes in the dirt, and fidgeted angrily with his clothes, not looking at me.

"Not tonight Jake- not yet" I whispered, so softly into the night. I knew he heard me as his whole body relaxes, and he exhales a large gust of air, neither of us were aware he had been holding. My humanity was a major obsession for both Edward and Jacob, but Jake was more fixated on it, than even Edward. He seemed almost haunted by it and seemed to treasure every breath and heartbeat I had, and whenever we were together he was always studying me like he was trying to commit every small detail to memory .

He tried to act cool, and unaffected, but his relief was evident to see, all of his body and face had relaxed, and he looked at peace. His eyes raised to look into mine, as he gave me a shy smile, and pulled me back into his arms, chuckling with glee and relief, wrapping his large, strong, warm arms around me, and lifted me up in the air as he danced in a circle, "Loca", I thought I heard him whisper, making me flash back to that first day I had taken the motorcycles to his house, he spun me around laughing, and seeing him so happy and carefree made me forget everything and I giggled along with him, happy to see him so happy.

When he finally placed me on the ground we didn't pretend to dance, instead we simply held each other for a few moments before he whispered a "When?" into my hair, his breathe caressing my ear, making my hair stand on end, and my body shiver in result.

"Not yet- I don't know. Soon. A fortnight maybe", which was longer than I had told Edward, I had said a week at most, but suddenly I wanted to reassure Jake, but deep down I realized I wasn't so sure myself, I suddenly wanted a few more days.

Jake looked at me, his eyebrows raised in surprise. "I thought you couldn't wait Bells? Why the sudden delay?" He smiled at me mockingly, almost cockily.

I felt my anger begin to rise, at his response. "There isn't one! But I don't want to spend my honeymoon in pain – strangely enough!" My annoyance was clear in my tone, which only made him laugh again, with what seemed like more relief and happiness.

"I want to have a proper honeymoon!" I snapped. He stopped laughing, and looked at me seriously.

"Bells you can't have a proper honeymoon with your leech- so why even pretend and go through with the pretense! Just admit you're just putting it off! It's fine! Hell it's the best news I've heard-"

"I will have a proper honeymoon Jacob! It will be real in every way just like anyone else's!"

"What?" His eyes bulged in horror, "What did you just say Bella?" He grabbed me, by the arms, tightly and looked straight into my eyes searching for something, his sudden change in his behavior startled me.

"Jake- what's wro- ow Jake! You're hurting me",

"Is this a sick joke Bella? You can't- not with him! He will kill you!"

Realization dawned on me, I had only wanted to stop his gloating, my teenage rebellion had kicked in, like it always did when Charlie told me I couldn't do something and now he was livid. Everything was happening so quickly.

Our quiet private time was suddenly careering dramatically off path. Snarls and growls erupted around us in the darkness.

"Let her go now." Edward hissed angrily. Jake's face was no longer recognizable, as he lost himself to his emotions, his body shaking and his vibrations resonating through me, his hands still pinning me in place, Edward appeared on one side of me, and Seth moved to stand on the other, as he placed his hand on Jake's arm. I looked at the fifteen year old and tried to convey I was okay and to step back. But Seth was concentrating on Jake.

"Bro, you're gonna lose it! You have to calm down, otherwise you'll hurt her." A growl, followed his statement, as another overlapped it, as Seth's words seemed to reach Jake. He let go of me and staggered backwards still shaking, the blood rushed through my veins, painfully I winced, and stepped towards him, but gasped when I was suddenly stood behind Edward, on the other side of the clearing instead, this only seemed to annoy Jake further.

"I would never hurt her, Leech!"

"You just did!" – I rushed to reassure Edward I was fine, I wasn't hurt, not physically. Inside I was a mess, seeing Jake's horror and pain, and realizing I had caused it, made me feel sick, I tried to go to him again, but Edward stopped me. I looked up as Jake roared at him. Two massive wolves suddenly appeared in between Edward and Jake, but instead of tensing ready to fight like Edward and Jake were, they looked to be trying to appease the situation, trying to use their massive heads to push Jacob backwards, away from us. Jacob's body was now a blur.

"You'll kill-!" He began to yell but he choked as emotions got the better of him. "Jake, come on let's go", little Seth pleaded, wrapping his arm around Jake. Fear swelled in my stomach as I realized how close Jake was to phasing and with Seth so close, again I tried to move to Jake, knowing I could make him calm down I just needed to be able to touch him, or get him to really see me, even though he was looking at me, he seemed too angry to concentrate on me to hear my voice. I knew he would never ever hurt me. Edward gripped me tightly, "Don't," he commanded, "he isn't in control".

"Let her go!" Jake snarled, as he jerked and convulsed, "I'll kill you myself, right now, before you lay a finger on her", the giant black wolf barked and growled harshly at Jake. "Move Seth, now", Edward hissed having heard something that worried him in someone's mind, made fear grip me even tighter, instead Seth grabbed Jake more firmly, "Come on Jake, let's go, come on", Jake seemed so torn between phasing in anger and trying to keep his form, the biggest wolf, nudged Jacob making him stumble backwards slightly with the movement, which allowed Seth to yank him backwards as Sam continued to push and shove him with his head, until they disappeared into the woods.

My heart was breaking as I watched Jake's fearful eyes penetrating mine, despite everything his eyes had never left mine, except when he had looked at Edward briefly to yell his threat. I needed to go to him, I tried to step around Edward for a second time, but he grabbed me and pulled me into a cold embrace so different to the one I just left. I was already missing Jake and his warmth.

"Edward, Jake-" my voice muffled by his suit and the tightness of his embrace.

"Is fine. Sam has him controlled."

"He doesn't need to be controlled Edward! He needs me. He isn't-"

"An unpredictable, unstable, dangerous mutant canine who nearly killed **my** wife and my sole reason for living because of some stupid crush?" he snarled, as a growl erupted from behind us, startling me. I tried to turn to see if Jake had returned but Edward's embrace was restricting any movement on my part. I only caught a glimpse of fur, but with the darkness and my poor human eyesight it made it nearly impossible to distinguish the color of it. It looked a dark brown, so not Jacob, maybe Quil. Edward looked at the wolf, and nodded coldly. I twisted around the best I could, before whispering "I'm sorry, tell Jake I-", but Edward pulled me away and back towards the party, the wolf, whoever it was, watched with cold, sad eyes, before turning and rushing into the woods. My heart felt like it had fractured, the part that was Jacob's and I knew no matter how long I had left as a human, or even as a vampire, that that part of my heart, and my soul would forever remain his.

The rest of the evening was a blur, my mind only focused on Jacob, I wanted to get away to speak to Billy but Edward never left my side. All I could think of was how Jake had looked, how I had broken him beyond repair this time, how he reacted, what he said before I had ruined it, how he had come here for me, as a gift despite what it must have cost him, or the pain it would have caused him to come, and then how he had looked, as he was pulled away.

I needed to get away to him. But that would be impossible. Instead I vowed I wouldn't be changed until I had chance to see him and rectify things I needed him to know- _what_? _What is it that you need to tell him_? What was it that was suddenly making me doubt my future as a vampire or at least the making me delay it a little while longer? It felt like something had changed but I couldn't understand what it was. I knew I needed time to think and I wasn't about to get it in the middle of a wedding reception. My wedding reception. To Edward. And here I was thinking about another man, and not just any man, but Jacob, the man I gave up to be with Edward. I was suddenly wondering if I had made the right decision, only hours after promising vows of forever to Edward. I had meant them, right up until I saw Jacob, hearing him talk of goodbye, had made it all seem so final, I wasn't ready to give him up as selfish as that was to any of us. I had missed Jacob so much, I had felt incomplete and now he was back, he had made today perfect, but I realized I wasn't happy. I'd just been lying to myself. Jacob was right, he was always right. But how much of what he said was right? I was a tornedo of emotions and confusion.

All too soon, Alice was dragging me away to get changed, with Esme and Renee's help. I knew it didn't need them all, but I felt my mother needed it, and I knew it would most probably be the last time I saw her, _or will it?_ A little voice in the back of mind asked, the same little voice which kept popping up randomly with little doubts and niggles. "I love you mum, thank you for everything" I hugged her tightly, my voice thick with emotion, as she wept openly.

I went searching for my father to say goodbye. He seemed to be hiding, his red eyes explained why. I took after my father in a lot of ways, our lack of ability to show our emotions being one of them. My heart ached seeing him looking so sad. He looked like he was at a funeral I thought instead of a wedding. My wedding, his daughter's wedding, I wasn't sure if I was ready to say goodbye to him either, and felt slightly better knowing that when I came home I could settle things with Jake and see my dad one last time, so he could see me happy and know whatever happened or where I ended up or however the Cullens' covered my change he would know I was happy. Wouldn't he? That depends are you still thinking of changing? He doesn't have to miss you -_Only if you change._ The little voice echoed again. I hugged him fiercely as my own eyes streamed with more tears, I had cried more tonight than I had since- since the night I had told Jacob I didn't love him as much as I did Edward, nausea rolled in my stomach, and I gagged, alarming my father, I waved at him, as I rushed behind the wall, worried one of the vampires and their supernatural gifts would rush to investigate. I heard dad worrying and him reply to someone, but as I had ducked my head between my legs, to try and center myself I had no idea who it was. I prayed it wasn't Alice or Edward, but was surprised to find Rose and Esme. Esme was rubbing my back and Rose was chatting to a worried Charlie and keeping watch, or so it seemed. I smiled weakly at Esme as she helped me up, and Charlie rushed over to me. "Bella are you okay?" "Of course Dad, it's just-" I faltered unable to come up with an explanation, it was Rose who answered for me, "Nerves, you know how Bella hates surprises Chief Swan, and now she's about to leave for the honeymoon, it's finally hit her she doesn't know where they are going", she gave him a dazzling smile, but I felt like there was a message in there for me, but my head was a whirl with far too much already.

Although I knew, I had made a vow to make it back to see him before I was changed I still felt like I needed him to know how I felt, how much he meant to me, and knew that as much as it pained both of us to show our emotions, I didn't have the time to worry about being embarrassed or self-conscious.

"Dad, I love you, so much. Don't forget that, okay. You-" my voice broke as emotions took over me, Charlie pulled me to him, and wrapped his arms, around me, "I know kiddo. I know. I love you, always have, always will. Don't you forget that, and no matter what happens, you always got me, can always come to me and you always have a home here", this time his voice broke, and he quickly wiped his eyes, and coughed. "Now you better go, we don't want you missing wherever it is you're going" he muttered gruffly, pulling his moustache down with his finger and thumb.

I smiled up at him, and hugged him again, before I heard him mumble something under his breath, puzzled I leaned back to ask, but Edward's voice interrupted me, seeing my father's face darken, I knew whatever he had said had been aimed at Edward, and I was once again hit by a wave of affection for him, even after giving me away to Edward, he still felt protective of me. We may not be very vocal or able to show our emotions well but that gesture showed me more than anything else, he really did love me above all else- despite what I may have believed as I grew up. I felt a pang of guilt at how badly I had treated him, I needed to rectify a few things with my dad I realized before I was ready to say goodbye to him properly like I was with Jake. Giving a small affectionate smile I leaned forward and placed a kiss on his cheek, as he did the same, I gave a small indiscreet sniff of his aftershave trying to commit it to memory, the same as I had done with Jake earlier, and I was sure Jake had done the same, although neither of us would ever have admitted it to the other.

"Call me" he called as Edward pulled me towards the car. "I will! I promise" I shouted back over the cheers and clapping as Edward opened the door so I could climb into the car. He appeared besides me, "Ready?" He asked, and gave me his dazzling smile, I nodded afraid to speak. In truth I wasn't sure if I was, anymore.

I rolled down the window, and shouted "I love you" to where all of my family stood; human, vampire and the last two remaining pack family I had, Billy and Sue. A tear slid down my cheek as I waved at them all, feeling like I was never going to see them again, instead of about to embark on my honeymoon with the man I loved more than anything else.

As Edward raced through the night I peered out of the window, silent tears falling down my cheek, an unsettling feeling in my gut, and my mind miles away when a noise brought me back to the present, I knew if I could hear it then Edward definitely could, as he reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly, before he raised it to his cold marble lips to kiss. I smiled at him, but kept my face looking out the window, as the piercing heartbroken howl, tore me to the core. I realized then that I knew I had made a mistake, I knew the moment Jake had let go of me, and then again when Edward had not let me return to Jake's arms, that I had made the biggest mistake of my life the day I looked at him beaten and broken and bare faced lied to his face when I said I loved Edward more than him.

As the wolf howled his heartbreak over losing me, I knew the boy would be even more heartbroken. I cried for not realizing sooner that I belonged with him, and to him. All the while Edward pressed his foot to the accelerator trying to put as much distance between me and my true soul mate.

For far too long I had been pushing everything to the back of my mind, not admitting to even myself that I truly did love Jake, that I was in love with him. Had I been too scared to admit it or even acknowledge it? I knew my fear of him imprinting was a huge part in it- that I wasn't afraid to admit. I was scared if I did choose him I could end up losing not just him, but everyone. I'd lose Edward and the Cullen's the moment I admitted where my heart truly belonged. I'd gain my father back in my life and Billy and all of my La Push friends as well as keeping Jake in my life but for how long? Could I take that kind of heartbreak and loss all over again? I had survived Edward leaving, but only just. And that had been because of Jacob; He had painstakingly put me back together again, bit by bit, and then held me together, but if I lost him, when he imprinted I would lose everything. The fear of losing him had always been my biggest worry, even more so than losing Edward again. With Edward I knew as long as I was changed he wouldn't leave me, again. Only fear for my safety would make him leave me again, and now we were married that wouldn't happen. Edward was my safety net I realized. Once upon a time I had wondered if _I_ could be with the one who loved me, try and love the one who loved me, and make it work, all the time thinking that person was Jake, that Jake could be my safety net- if I chose him. Yet now I had finally acknowledged that wasn't true anymore or if it ever had been. However, ever since imprinting had been mentioned it had became as huge to me, as my changing was to Jake. So instead of talking to Jake I did what I always did, I buried my true feelings for Jake, instead I clung to Edward, maintaining it was still him I loved. Yet Jacob leaving had finally opened my eyes and my heart to what I didn't want to recognize. And watching him being pulled away, just re-enforced it to me, especially after he had only just told me he couldn't bear to say goodbye or that he would have to pretend I had died was like being hit wit a sledgehammer straight into my heart.

I had barely slept since the newborn fight, and whenever I did, I was haunted by all the things I refused to admit or thinks about, consciously. Instead I was plagued in my dreams, as the thoughts of Jake and I came alive and I'd live out those fantasies until morning and the cold icy embrace of Edward would wake me, and once again I'd sweep everything off to someplace else, in the hope they wouldn't find me again and if I threw myself into the wedding and surrounded myself with Edward I would hopefully forget. But I was just deluding myself.

Seeing Jake tonight had made me realize that I was being weak, running from my fears which were only hurting him because I couldn't be honest with him or even myself. I was running, from him, from myself, from the truth, and as a result I had hurt and was still hurting so many people because I couldn't be honest or sincere about my true feelings. I wasn't sure how much longer could I do this? hours? Days? Weeks? Months?Years? Or if at all. But how long would I get with Jake before he left me? But I knew no matter how long I got I wanted it, I wanted him. I wanted whatever time I got with him. All these emotions rushing and crashing through me – yet it had never been so clear as it was right now, as I felt the tears running down my face, so fast I couldn't stop them. I could do this, I had to do this, I looked to Edward, I knew he would know I was crying, and my heart ached knowing I was going to hurt him, and I had done so selfishly, because I refused to admit my feelings had changed, instead I buried them and ignored them, lied to him and to Jake, and to everyone else, and now in front of everyone I had made promises, I had always thought I would keep, but how could I when I loved someone else. I could never give Edward my whole heart, I sighed remembering once when I had thought the same of Jacob, but both had accepted my heart would never be whole, that both had a piece each, but as time had passed, my heart had slowly switched sides, Jacob's small fractured piece had swelled and grown, taking over the majority, which had once belonged solely to Edward now belonged to Jacob, and only a small piece remained with Edward's name carved in it. I had no idea how or when this had happened I was only now allowing myself to see it. I had never once faced up to the pain and hurt my actions, decisions or lack of ability to love only one person had caused as it did now with the full force of Jacob's pain hitting me in his heartbroken howl.

Edward kissed my hand, trying to make me look his way, as I try to smile and pretend everything is okay, but I'm not deceiving either of us, and I'm only fooling myself trying to pretend I can carry on like this. I look out into the darkness and wonder if I could find my way back, what I would say.

I had spent so long trying to keep myself together, to make sure I never left myself exposed, to let others see me as I truly am, all my flaws, faults and imperfections but Jacob had, he always could see me, stripped bare of all the pretences and barriers. He could see through the masquerade and see me, the real me and that scared me as much as the risk, the fear of the unknown did, vampirism seemed like a walk in a park compared to what awaits me when I go back- _when I go back? Am I going back?_ I know I am I don't know why I try to fool myself why I still lie to myself.

I hope he can forgive me, after everything I had said or done, all the things I had promised him and subsequently let him down on, all of them. I had vowed to always be there for him, and yet I hadn't- instead I had ran away when I got scared. I said I cared for him, but then told him it wasn't enough, instead I walked away and let him down when he was broken and beaten. Instead I broke him even more because there was far too much I couldn't say. I broke him and now I realized I had broken me at the same time. His pain always was my pain, and now I can hear it and feel it, tearing down all my walls, all my defences ripping me bare.

"Edward stop! I can't. I'm…"

"Come on love, we're here!" My head hurt, and I felt incredibly sleepy, and foggy. "Bella love, you need to wake up we're here!" I could hear a murmured voice which sounded like they were miles away. But still I tried to find my way through the fog to the voice, I recognized as Edward's. My head pounded and thumped, it had never felt this painful before, not even when I had concussion which was a far few times to know that this wasn't the same feeling. Darkness seemed to grab hold of me again as I slipped out of consciousness, to Edward reassuring someone he could carry me and blaming my tiredness on it being a long day. Somewhere in the back of my mind, something stirred trying to prick my conscious to say that wasn't true, but the fog was too strong.

I came too with the same banging, throbbing pain in my head. "Bella, you need to wake up or they won't let us board the plane", I tried to open my eyes, but the blinding lights above me made me yelp, I tried to lift my head, but it was a dead weight and I felt it roll back again, as Edward growled at my inability to wake up. I desperately tried but the most I could do was open my eyes, a slither and try to speak but I sounded drunk, slurring incoherently.

"Sir, is your wife okay?"

"Yes, yes she's fine" Edward answered, startling me, _wife_?

"Oh, oh, er…" she stammered in response.

"Could you help us get on board first please, it's been a very long day, and we have done a lot of traveling, for our honeymoon. I think it's taken it out of her", he replied in the voice he used to make humans feel dazzled, and confused. I wanted to say something or laugh as she flustered to do her job, knowing what Edward's smile and voice were like when he wanted to persuade you to do something, it – he was almost intoxicating, but my own mind was far too intoxicated with foggy sleep to be able to do or say anything. I felt him, re-position me in his arms, and myself being carried through a loud arena, which made my ears and brain hurt with the noise, I tried to speak but still only a few noises came out.

"You have got to be kidding me", I heard Edward hiss.

"Sir, could you step this way", someone asked.

"Is there a problem? As you can see I have my arms full at the moment and I'd really like to board the plane, so my wife can remain sleeping it's been an extremely long day for her, well both of us. We would just like to rest before we reach our honeymoon destination- as you can imagine", there was something suggestive in his tone, but the other person didn't seem to register it or chose to ignore it.

"Sir please could you and your wife step this way. This won't take a moment", another more firm voice spoke.

"Yes, fine, this better be quick, we have a plane to catch" Edward snapped.

"Bella, wake up now" I felt myself being shaken, and lowered to the ground, I clutched at Edward's shirt to steady myself, as he wrapped his arm around me to keep me upright.

"Sir is your wife alright?" a female voice asked, as I tried yet again to make my body respond to my demands.

"Yes! She is fine, it's been a long day and a lot of travelling as I keep telling you all, she is just tired and with the medication the doctor gave her for her fear of flying it's just made her more drowsy than normal", he reassured them as they all murmured their understanding, as I tried to remember if I was scared of flying, but it hurt to think. I tried to smile reassuring at the woman who looked the most nervous, of Edward or of me I wasn't sure.

More talking was taking place but I somehow managed to tune it out as I tried to will myself to stay awake. I was surprised when a dog came in the room and began wandering around our belongings and then around us, growling, which shocked me.

"Ma'am- can you step away from your husband for a moment?" a tall, stern looking man with white hair and a greying moustache asked, as he took me by the elbow to support me. I looked at Edward alarmed, scared I would fall over. Edward misreading thought I was scared of being removed from his side.

"It's fine my love, they just want to see who the dog doesn't like. Which I can assure you will be myself, for some reasons dogs don't like me do they Bella?"

I don't know why but I found this oddly hilarious and began to laugh loudly, which made my frame wobble.

"I think that maybe the medication", Edward muttered crossly.

"Well he seems to like your wife", the man with the dog replied as the dog licked my hand, and nuzzled into me. "Never seen Gunner, react like to anyone before", he chuckled as he smiled up at me.

"Yes, well dogs do seem to take some sort of over the top liking to her", Edward retorted.

"That's more than a liking sir, I'd say he is fully armoured with her", his owner replied as I giggled girlishly or drunkenly at him. I attempted to bend down to pat the dog, catching Edward's glare as I did so. I had no idea what had gotten into him, but then I couldn't remember anything at the moment, my brain began to slowly clear as I patted the dog and he licked my face and wagged his tail.

"Can we go now?"

"Yes sir, there doesn't seem to be anything amiss- just for some strange reason the dog took an aversion to you- our apologies." Again I found this highly amusing, even though I wasn't sure why.

"Come on Bella" Edward hissed, dragging me out of the room, as he grabbed our belongings on route. He was beyond livid when he was told we had missed our boarding time but that there was another plane in twelve hours' time. Instead he got us on another fight that would take us to within three hours' drive of wherever we was going and made them organise a car for us. My head was beginning to slowly fell less groggy and less painful, as I watched Edward rant and rave. It was beginning to make me think I really didn't know him, not really. He walked over to me and handed me a cup of water, urging me to drink it while they sorted through yet more details, for our change of plans. I wrapped my hands around it, but dint take any instead I looked up at Edward as he smiled, my smile back down at me, "drink Bella, you need to keep your fluids up, it will help clear your head", I smiled but failed to drink it, for some reason his constant gaze was making me leery.

"Bella, will you drink it for goodness sake so I can throw the cup away," he demanded, I took a hesitate sip but it tasted refreshing and cold, feeling bad for doubting him, I drank it desperately not realising how thirsty I was.

"Ah that's better. Feel better?" I nodded, and asked for some more which he happily went and got, before coming to tell us our plane was ready.

I come too as we were boarding a small speed boat, Edward smiled at me happily, "Hello sleepy head, how are you feeling? Everything will be just fine now", he grinned at me, before he revved the engine and we surged into the darkness. I was still laying cross the seat, trying to get my bearings, I didn't feel so groggy this time so I determined the sleep must have done me some good, but I still had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that I was forgetting something huge and very important.

"Ah there it is- look Bella, welcome to Isle Esme- our honeymoon destination", He beamed at me in the moonlight, as I could just make out the outline of something coming out of the sea. As we got closer, I could make out an island appearing, until we hit the shallow water of the beach and Edward turned around his face lit up with happiness and excitement.

"You are going to love it here, Carlisle brought it for Esme, as a wedding present, but they let us borrow it for our honeymoon, so it is just us here!" As his words hit me, my stomach rolled with fear, and my heart raced, and everything hit me all over again.

"Edward- I- can't…" I stammered as his face contorted.

"Bella, just give me tonight please- no not like that- don't worry. Just give me one more night with you before you rip my heart out and leave me for the- that- ARGH!" He roared.

"Look I need to go run, and hunt maybe. Why don't you unpack, have a look around or have a bath, but please don't swim in the sea, without me. Okay?" He looked so sad and defeated, I nodded. It was the least I could do.

He climbed back into the boat and with a roar of the engine disappeared into the night. I wandered from room to room around the house. It was decorated in the Cullens normal interior, pale whites, beiges and creams. I finally reached what would have been our bedroom, and gasped at the beauty of it. There was a four poster bed, with red rose petals scattered all over the bed and the floor, and candles adorned all the surfaces. I felt a huge lump appear in my throat, it felt wrong being in here, when I had no intentions of fulfilling my wifely duties with Edward, especially after I had spent months arguing with him, for this night. But now it was here I realised I didn't want to be here, or for this night to be with him. I decided a shower would help me think and opened my suitcase, surprised to see a letter from Alice nestled on the top.

Bella,

I don't know why but I saw that you would need this paper. There is a secret department at the bottom of the wooden box- the one I put all some new jewellery in, so Edward won't suspect. Burn this once you have read it. You need to follow these instructions carefully: remove all the jewellery, so u can find the compartment, then put everything back in and move it all around before putting the box at the bottom of the suitcase then do the same to all of your clothes, so your scent is on everything, and not stronger in one place, should he look.

Alice x

I looked up puzzled from her short note, which had been written in a rush but still her handwriting looked immaculate. I dug around for the small box, which was in fact a small chest, like a treasure chest but square and very ornate. Tipping all the jewellery out- which I would never wear- I searched for the secret department. Unable to find one I gave up and flung it onto the bed. It landed with a soft thud, but as it did I heard a soft plunk and stepped forward to open the lid of the box to appear inside praying by some miracle it was the box. Sure enough the bottom had opened, lifting two overlapping flaps, which now opened exposed the bottom. Another note was hidden inside which merely said;

HURRY.

Although I was unsure why, Alice was keen for me to have somewhere to hide things from Edward she obviously saw a reason so I did as she said. I burnt her note and began scribbling letters first to Renee, then to my dad, one to the pack addressed to Emily, and lastly to Jacob, while I was writing I suddenly had a horrible feeling stir in my gut something bad was going to happen, and whether Alice had seen it or had just seen the need for me to prepare I wrote down everything I had ever wanted them to know, especially Jacob. It wasn't until I signed the bottom, I saw the paper was dotted with tearstains, and blotted ink. I quickly hid the letters and buried them as she had directed and quickly rushed to the bathroom to wash my face as I heard the speed boat approaching. I quickly stripped off and dressed in my favourite slouchy pyjamas, thanking Alice for putting them in with the paper, as I knew what pain that would have cost her, especially when I saw they were on top of a pile of lacy and very expensive French lingerie. I quickly climbed under the blanket, and tried to slow my heart and breathing so Edward would think I had fallen asleep.

I heard him approach, and his cold hand, brushed the hair away from my face, exposing my neck as he leaned over to kiss my cheek, he whispered "I love you more than my own life", and sunk his teeth into my neck.

As searing pain surged through me as Edward penetrated my fragile skin, my eyes baulked as a blood curling scream echoed through the night as my life flashed before me, but it wasn't so much my life, but the people I loved. I got to see everything as an outsider, saw just how many chances I had had in my short life and all of them I had given up or lost, how many mistakes I had made, like marrying the wrong man, and making vows, that I knew even now, as I changed into something I no longer wanted to be, I couldn't keep and didn't want to keep and then I thought of all the bridges I had burned, and hadn't known how to fix, all the things I hadn't got the chance to say. Except now I would never get the chance. Had Alice seen this? Had she known and that was why… The burning in my neck was spending distracting me, and the pain was excruciating. I felt myself swimming in a vast sea of darkness I realized I didn't know how to get out, I couldn't find a way out. I could hear voices but the only one I wanted to hear is silent. I need you but I can't hear you, I try to draw your face to mind, as the darkness entices me in.

I'm screaming your name inside my mind hoping you will hear me but still I hear nothing, as the other voices grow louder. The only person I want is lost to me and as I scream in agony and writhe in pain. The darkness engulfs me finally taking me down, and the burning surrounds me and courses through me I scream your name one last time to save me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. Are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Chapter 2 – Immortal Nightmare  
>Vampire Bella POV<strong>

_**Previously**_

I'm screaming your name inside my mind hoping you will hear me but still I hear nothing, as the other voices grow louder. The only person I want is lost to me and as I scream in agony and writhe in pain. The darkness engulfs me finally taking me down, and the burning surrounds me and courses through me I scream your name one last time to save me.

**Four Years ago- August 16th****th**

The burning, and excruciating pain slowly begins to fade away and I begin to become aware of the noises around me, like the sound of the ocean lapping against the shore, the breeze rustling in the trees, and the sound of birds' wings flapping, in flight. I can smell the salt of the sea, and other smells I can't identify. But the only thing I can concentrate on is the struggle of my thumping heart, all the while the heat burns up my limbs and surges towards my chest. I let out another ear piercing scream, as the agonizing pain grows and swells in intensity. I can hear hushed murmurs in the distant; in a different part of the house. I know somehow I am alone. I hear a scuffle and violent hissing and growls as someone tries to come in. But as another wave of heat scorches me and I wail and attempt to move, my body feels weighed down. Only my mouth feels free as the scorching heat burns out. My heart gives one final loud agonizing thump, as it falters over its last heartbeat, in my now fully altered body. As the horrifying realization suddenly and sharply dawns on me; I'm dead. Well not quite, but I may as well be- because I'm now something I don't want to be- I'm now a vampire. I get vague flashbacks to that night when Edward came back and- and changed me. My eyes fly open and I am momentarily stunned by the details of everything, but a noise alerts me to danger approaching and I drop instinctively into a crouch, as Carlisle knocks and enters the bedroom, his hands raised in a stop sign but I recognize it as his attempt at a show of peace. Slowly behind him appear Esme, Emmett, Rose, Jasper, and Alice, all looking sullen and unsure, as I hiss at them. But it is the last figure who rushes through the door to greet me, and looking relieved and happy that makes my carefully strung wire snap as I hiss and fly across the room in a blur towards him. I move so quickly I am surprised and in awe of myself. I smash into Edward, making a noise similar to a loud clap of thunder, as Esme cries out, and I am suddenly pinned around the arms by both Emmett and Jasper who struggle to keep me in place as I struggle to escape their grasp intent to finish my task and kill Edward.

"You son of a bitch" I snarl at him like a feral, rabid animal, I hear several collected gasps.

"Emmett, Jazz let me go. The only one of you I'm gonna kill is HIM", I roar as their grip only tightens. "Unless you all knew he planned this? Alice-"

"No! Bella! We're here because-"

"A moment please, Alice. Edward, I think right now you should leave. As we warned you Bella isn't ready to see you-"

"I can assure you as soon as Emmett lets me go, I'm going to kill you Edward. How dare you! You knew I didn't want this! You knew I wanted to go home!"

"To that dog! We just got married and you were going to leave me for that mutt! Bella you're my life-"

"Edward! I can't stand the sight of you! Look at what you did to me? Why? Why would you do this?"

"Because you were going to leave me for that immature, volatile DOG, Bella! We had only just got married and you were planning to leave me! And to add further insult, you weren't just getting cold feet! No! You were going to leave me, run out on the vows we just made in front of our families and friends for a mutt! Bella you're-"

A feral snarl echoed from behind Edward, "I suggest you disappear Edward before I make Em let Bella go, and I help her dismantle your ass! You selfish Son of a Bitch" Rosalie sneered, stepping to stand next to me and Emmett.

Alice looked at Edward and then crossed the room to stand next to me and Jasper.

"Alice!" He exclaimed in betrayal.

"I'm sorry Edward, you know I love you and you're my brother, but Bella is also my sister, and well- even if you didn't know she had changed her mind about being a vampire, you should have waited. You didn't even ask her. I can't forgive you that. I'm sorry", I looked up as Alice, turned and clung to Jasper, her body shaking with the tears she couldn't shed. Jasper looked pained with the emotions in the room, and with the desire to hold his mate, but unsure whether to trust me enough to let go, knowing I was growing more furious the more I looked at Edward.

I hated Edward but I couldn't take his family from him, and as I looked at Esme and Carlisle as they looked between Edward and the rest of their children surrounding me, no longer to protect Edward, but against him.

"No, I'll go. I may hate you for this Edward but I won't take your family from-"

Just then, Carlisle's phone rang, he looked at it, and his face furrowed in confusion. He looked up at us all as we paused, "It's Sam. Hello-"

"The treaty is void. We got the news about- about Bella. If any one of you or _she_ returns to Washington or tries to contact anyone- especially Charlie or Jake- we will find and kill every one of you. Got it Leech! Tell that selfish bitch she has devastated Jacob and Charlie, even Billy and Emily are besides themselves. She is literally dead to all of us. Don't bother coming for the funeral. You're not welcome".  
>As his words echoed out from Carlisle's mobile and the full realisation of them hit me I screamed in agony. He had stolen my human life away from me, but now he had also made sure, I could never go home. He had ripped my family away from me, without a second thought for me or them.<p>

"Sam-" Carlisle started but Sam had already hung up.

My eyes flared wildly around to look at an apprehensive Edward, "Look-" he started, but Emmett released me. I flew through the air, roaring in fury and agony. I grabbed him in a headlock, and as I did I twisted and with a loud crunch, his body fell to the floor. Esme screamed and clung to Carlisle, who just looked at me,regretfully. I dropped Edward's head, mortified with what I had done.

"I am so sorry I never- I don't know what came over me Esme, everyone. I'm sorry you can fix him right? I'll leave I'm so sorry- I just- I…" My body shook strangely, as an odd noise escaped me, it took me a few seconds to realize this was my attempt at crying and it frustrated and angered. Arms that felt warmer than I expected wrapped around me, surprising me, until I realised despondently it was because I was the same temperature as them now.

A soothing voice whispered softly into my hair, "You will do no such thing Bella, you were part of this family, long before…" breaking under the emotion, it carried, of all that had happened in the short few days since that day. How all our lives had been turned upside down. My new senses, told me it was Esme, "You're one of us…" as another anguished wail erupted from me, at how true that was, she stopped talking and rubbed my back. I heard a crackle of fire, and looked up to see Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett standing next to a pyre, with purple smoke pluming into the air just outside the doors, on the beach.

"What? Why did you do that?" I asked, shocked.

"He couldn't have lived with you hating him Bella, and you would never have forgiven him. He hoped you would wake and either have forgotten what had happened or forgiven him once you were changed he knew there was a good chance, that you wouldn't. We all told him you wouldn't. It's just a shame we got here too late, you were already too far into the change for Carlisle to suck the venom out. Alice tried, she rang the airport to delay you, and we tried to get hold of Edward numerous times but he ignored all our calls. I honestly think had our connection taken off when it was due to, we would have got here on time. I am so sorry Bella we let you down."

"No you didn't Esme. Honestly, the only people who let me down were Edward and myself. If I hadn't fallen asleep in the car or -", the room grew quiet.

"Edward stole sedatives from my case before you left. He injected you with some highly strong sleeping medication, and then mixed another lower dose one into a drink from what I can gage", Carlisle said, my mouth fell open in surprise, as it all came back to me.

"I asked him to stop. I told him I couldn't do this, and then it went black. I was so sleepy, I- Why? I don't understand. I don't understand any of this. It's like I never knew Edward at all." Rose snorted a sarcastic laugh, as Esme glared her her, she hung her head.

Everyone looked from one to another, it was Carlisle that spoke. "I think he realized after you saw Jacob your feelings had changed or were changing, Alice had a few flicking visions, but nothing that worried her, or us, or made any of us to think anything bad-", Alice jumped in to reassure me, "If I had, I would have never let you leave Bella. Edward must have not decided or kept it well hidden until the last moment because I only saw his plans when he chose to inject you. We tried to talk to him but he threw his phone out the window, so we tried to stop him instead. We had already realized we needed to get to you both, or to reach you as soon as possible. I'm sorry Bella, we didn't get here quick enough."

"Alice it isn't your fault. I should have realized sooner or I don't know. I guess this is my payback for hurting everyone I ever cared about- I need- I have to go!" without waiting for a response I dashed from the house and into the sunlight, I caught a glimmer of my skin as I dashed down the beach, not even worrying if someone saw me. I just needed to be alone.

A while later, I sensed someone approaching, and inhaled the air, "Rosalie", I spoke before she appeared or announced her arrival. She gave a sarcastic laugh, "You got the hang of that then". I gave her a feeble attempt at a smile back.

"You know I do understand how you feel Bella, maybe not as betrayed by Edward, but I understand how you feel about this", she waved a hand up and down her body.

"Hmmm. But I had finally chosen right, Rosalie-"

"Rose, Bella. Just Rose. I'm sorry I was always a bitch to you, it isn't that I dislike you or that I was opposed to you being my sister, I don't. I never did. I just opposed your lack of regard to your mortality." I gave a hmpf, in response.

"A little too late clearly" I sighed, and tried to swallow the large lump in my throat.

"But you did Bella, that means something, maybe not to you right now, but it does to me and it will to others- one day."

"Rose, I can never go home, I can't see my parents or Jake ever again. I can't even tell them the truth- Jake and the pack will think I chose this and hate me forever." I fell against her, again rocking with sobs I couldn't shed for the life and the family stolen from me.

**Four years ago August 22nd**

The boys had done some detective work and found out that Charlie had called for my 'body' to be returned to Forks. Carlisle had said Edward was going to be cremated near their family home in California. So there was no need to make the journey to Forks, not that we could. They also said the funeral was to be held at the same time as mine, so no one would try and journey to a non-existent funeral. I was still struggling with my new body and new way of life, we were still on Isle Esme. It had been discussed that being away from civilization would be a good thing for a few weeks while I adjusted before we made the journey to Alaska or somewhere else. I wasn't keen on going to the Denali's after everything that happened. I knew I wouldn't receive a warm welcome from any of them after the Laurent thing with Irina and then killing Edward even if the Cullen's had forgiven me, even Esme had almost simultaneously forgiven me. Although I knew she was still deeply hurt and heartbroken, she said Edward had chosen his path, he made his decisions. I think part of her felt sorry for me, because I hadn't had any choose in my current life. I still refused to look at my reflection much to Alice's horror. But Rose was proving to being an asset. As the time ticked by slowly closer to the service time, I became more and more agitated. I couldn't bear the thought that my loved ones would be put through this amount of anguish and pain because of me. I needed to see them, to explain, to try and put them out of their misery. I waited until I thought everyone was preoccupied before I made a dash for the door, only to collide into the boulder that was Emmett, the noise shaking the earth, and sending several flocks of birds squawking into the sky.

"Em, please, just let me go. I can explain, I'll tell them it wasn't any of you. It will take away the threat, I need to tell Jake. I can't stand the thought of him thinking I chose this. Please", I begged.

"Bella, we can't sweetheart. They will kill you before you get to open your mouth to speak", Carlisle replied from behind me, as he laid his hands on my shoulders.

"Bella, please I can't bear to lose another child", Esme added, her comment weighing heavily on me. I knew I would always feel guilty for taking away her favorite child. Despite all their reassurances that he wouldn't have wanted to live without me, and would have sort a release from this world, probably with more selfish repercussions for the rest of them, or so Rose had told me one afternoon.

I nodded solemnly, "I can't stay here, it is far too much of a reminder, and I don't want to go to Denali either, I don't expect you to come with me, but I need to go. I can't stay here, I'm sorry."

The rest of the Cullen's, all looked at each other before nodding.

**Four years later - January 14th**

The wind whips and howls around me, as I cut a lonely figure, frozen and unmoving, on the wet sand, despite the icy water lapping against my freezing feet. Rather ironic that I look like a cold, marble statue, since that is what I am now, I think sorrowfully, as I look out over the sea; to a place I had once loved, and still do. The one place I yearn to be, except I'm no longer welcome, and this tiny island, is the closest I will ever get ever again. I know what will happen if they find me but I have been fighting the urge to return home for four long years, and today that urge became overwhelming, consequences be damned.

I'm waiting impatiently for just one last glimpse of the people I love more than my own life, and miss more than anyone or anything, but especially him. I look around and everything looks the same; everything still reminds me of him. Even though I am hidden on the small isle that is James Island, I can see all along First Beach, it is even more magical and beautiful with my new eyes. But this place is haunted by him, of us, of the possibility of what could have been, of the life I could, should of had but was stolen from me, that night all those years ago. Every place we went, every word we said, every look we shared hangs in the air, all around me, like whispering and howling ghosts of the life I was supposed to have, dancing around me, taunting and teasing me.

I hear them before I see them as they all make their way to the gathering already collected on the beach. I gaze wistfully at the small gathering of my friends, my loved ones, the ones I left behind foolishly, thinking I would be able to find my way back to them, that night, all those years ago, instead I ended up like this, I gave up all of them for this; this hollow shell that I had become, as they frolic on our beach, it makes my still dead heart splinter.

I know they will kill me if they find me, but that is a risk I am willing to endure, hell it would be a pleasure for me, to finally get peace from the tortured existence. But I don't want them to see me, I don't want to cause them the pain of having to kill me, I know that would cause even more pain. I can't risk them seeing me, but the need to see them, to see him, has only magnified ever since I woke up in this shell, this body, four years ago.

It's funny, how they all said how your human emotions, in fact all emotions are amplified tenfold once you are changed. At the time I didn't listen, didn't think anything of it, I thought I was in love, couldn't think that it was even possible to love anyone more than- him- I involuntary growl, still, the anger, the hate hasn't lessened over time, the same as my love for the people on the beach hadn't, instead I was living a nightmare of loving someone I longed to be with, to see or hear, for a father and a mother I wanted nothing more than to speak to, to embrace once more or be able to say 'I love you', for friends I wanted to grow old with. Now I know exactly what they meant as my whole being feels like it will swell and break under the weight of the emotions I feel watching them all, hidden here. Watching, observing like the outsider that I am.

I knew they would be here tonight, celebrating, and although they had long since said their goodbyes to me, it was the perfect time for me to see them all one last time, memorize each and everyone of their faces, see how they had grown and changed and say my final goodbyes, something else that had been stolen from me; I never got to come back like I promised myself to make it all straight, but today was my way of rectifying that- I needed to follow through one of the promises I had made, even if he knew nothing about this one. I glance at the wooden case, sat on the sand, safely tucked away from the water, the same one I had stored my letters in before my life had been turned upside down and ripped away from me. He had wrecked everything that night, after- but he had never found my confessions. Instead I had brought them with me today, with the others I had added over the years along with the cards for every birthday, for every Christmas I had missed with them. The box was now rammed with everything I had collected over the years, to show them they had never left my thoughts or my heart, even though I had to leave their lives, they never left mine.

I sucked a large inhale of air to try and steady my raging emotions, even though I didn't need it, I still hadn't managed to lose all my human quirks as Emmett called them.

I gasp as I finally see him, and my stone, hard body shakes with the tears I can no longer shed, and how I wish I could.

My mind even with its immense ability to concentrate on more than several things at once, had tortured and plagued me with images of him, for the past four years, making it a true living nightmare. His sunny smile, his beautiful face, things he had told me, the way he felt, his love. Taunting me with images of what could have been the life I could have had; with him, in his arms, loved, adored, laughing and smiling, and things I hadn't felt since he let me go that night.

As I stood mesmerized by him, my memories had nothing on the beauty that he was in the flesh. I recalled that night, when I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life, how it felt letting him go as he was pulled away from me, how I had struggled to get to him but allowed myself to be led away, and then woke up like this, a dead ghost of my former self.

As my reflection glittered in the sea below, I let out a long sigh, I didn't even look like my old self, this image was too perfect, too beautiful. There was no flaws, no imperfections, like how my top lip used to look smaller than my bottom, now I had a full pout of matching lips. I wasn't even clumsy anymore.

I hated my existence in truth it wasn't worth living without them in it, even though my new family had tried, it wasn't the same without him. I couldn't stand the idea of living for eternity as something I detested and hated and the thought of being something that he hated, made me even more determined to make him know I agreed, before...

That was the reason I had come today, I needed to show him, to tell him the truth, how much I regretted everything, every mistake, every lie, every stupid misunderstanding, how I had changed my mind, how I had finally realized he had been right, how I had chosen him, how I was coming back to him but it had been taken out my hands, I wanted him to know- needed him to know everything. And that was why I had poured my heart out into the letters in the wooden case sat behind me. For him to find when they come to investigate as I knew they would.

Suddenly his deep chuckle rips me from my thoughts, as it carries across the sea by the wind. The pack are throwing him into the air, over and over, shouting the number of birthdays he has had, throwing him higher and higher, as our friends, no his friends, laugh along with him. I see my father, and heart jumps, and I have to remind myself to stay rooted to my spot here. Charlie looks older, his hair is greying, and his moustache is littered with grey and white hairs. But he looks happy, thankfully, as he stands laughing next to Billy, holding on to a toddler, with black shiny hair, who is clapping and laughing gleefully. I realize this image suits him. Charlie would have made a good grandfather, I think sadly, yet something else that was stolen from him, along with me. My gaze falls to his father who is holding a small baby, swaddled in a pink blanket. A look of pure love, adoration shines from Billy's face as he looks down at the small bundle, that must be his grandchild as he laughs as the group of strong men and one woman, finally yell "and one for luck" before throwing his son, up into the air one final time, before they all step back. The muscled, tanned young man flies through the air, and flips at the last moment onto his feet before he hits the floor.

I smile at his wide beaming smile, the first time I have smiled, this smile, his smile for the first time. As I try and commit his unforgettable sunny smile to memory, that same smile I used to think of mine, as it gleams in the bonfire light. The little boy wiggles from Charlie's embrace, all the while squealing "me, me, my turn!" and runs clumsily towards the man, who laughs my laugh, the one I used to love to make him laugh as he swoops down to pick up the little boy.

"Little Will wants to fly does he?" that familiar husky voice asks, making another chunk of my heart break away, but it's at that moment I see their matching smiles, identical eyes, and duplicate faces, as they laugh the same laugh and my legs give way and I fall to my knees, and even though it kills me I can't look away as the child shouts "Higher, higher!" turn to cries for his momma.

Horror fills me, as I see a beautiful lady emerge from the mass, running to where he is holding the child, and devastation fills me as I see her laughing at the pair as she swats his bulging bicep, and wraps her arms around them both, and he settles the boy between them, before wrapping his own arm around her and kissing her on the head, like he used to do to me, and I feel the last wretched remains of my heart crumble into nothing.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" A soft voice asks from the shadows behind me I nod yes. More now than ever I am ready for whatever awaits me on the other side. I saw him and Charlie one last time, like I wanted. I've seen them both happy. That's what I wanted- even if it is the most painful experience I have ever had to endure. I would gladly take those three days of burning pain for eternity than feel how I feel right now for even a second.

I see the little boy pats his mother's face and points across the sea to something shimmering in the sunset, "Look momma", I see Jacob turn to look as well as his eyes lock with my golden vampire eyes for the first and last time, as I whisper to the ghosts of the sea to carry my words of regret, "It was always you Jake, I'm sorry. Goodbye".

I nod my head, and say "Now" as Emmett fulfills my last wish, and ends my misery.

**THANK YOUS: A massive thank you to my gorgeous Beta Patricia, who is amazing at this! I seriously talk her ear off well- inundate her with emails, which normally are a chaotic mess of rambles and unprocessed thoughts and ideas and she always manages to make sense of them- pretty much like my stories! The same goes for Tonya- both these ladies have truly become friends over our bonded love for Twilight and Wolf boys ;) you truly are amazing and I love you both for always reading and humouring me with my endless ideas for plots, characters, future stories and everything else. Thank you both for everything. I know I don't always remember to say it outloud but I truly appreciate you both and all the hard work you do for me! As well as the smiles you always give me.**

**To everyone who is reading this or any of my stories whether you review or not THANK YOU! This is such a great escape from RL and something I absolutely love doing- I wish I was better at it but you have no idea how much I love finding people who love this series as much as I do- or who also believe Bella was a complete doughnut and chose the wrong man! This is just how I like to correct that decision so welcome to the inside of my head haha xx**


	3. Chapter 3

****Disclaimer:All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. Are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended  
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**Tormented Souls- **

****Chapter three Drowning in you****

_Four years later- January 14__t_h

Jacob's POV

"Look momma", Jax turned in my arms and patted Rachel's face as he attempted to point something out across the sea to her, I turned to look as well as something shimmering in the sunset caught my attention as well. I don't know what I expected to find, but as my eyes lock on a pair of golden eyes in a face that is familiar as my own, I feel my world completely turn upside down.

_Bella._

No, it can't be- she can't. She knows what will happen if she is caught on not just our land but, anywhere in the state of Washington. What the heck is she thinking coming back here? Sam had banished her and all of the Cullen's, once the phone call had arrived stating Bella and Edward had both died in a car accident; burned beyond recognition. They had to go by dental records, and the rental car's company identification. Not that it had mattered to any of the pack, we all knew it was a ton of lies, but it was to my utter devastation that she had lied to me, and done it pretty much that same night, that had made Sam warn them that the pack had been ordered to kill on sight if any of them even set foot on any Washington State soil.

I had completely lost the plot in those months after, and still wasn't completely recovered. I don't think I ever would be. It had taken me, Charlie, and even my dad to some extent, a great deal of time to heal over Bella's "fake" death, or in Charlie's case her real death. I couldn't accept her decision or her lack of respect to be honest with me, about her plans, or that she had actually been able to lie to me and I hadn't even known- for the first and last time, Bella had managed to lie to me and keep something from me -she was lying to my face. I had taken the news extremely hard, even harder than Charlie and that was saying something. He had been an absolute mess; he nearly lost his job and his house, due to his sudden disregard to his health and life in general; drinking all day, every day. In those dark days, we would often be found together, trying to obliterate the present, the knowledge that Bella was no longer here or be herself and the knowledge of exactly what she had chosen to die to become was tearing me apart. I no longer cared that she hadn't chosen me, didn't love me the way I loved her, that she would never be her anymore, never blush or laugh or even speak with the same voice, or fall over her own shadow, let alone grow older or have children, as hard as it would have been to see her do all those things with someone else, I would have taken that torture to have her still in my life in some way, shape or form, instead of a memory, a living ghost inside my head.

It had taken a lot of hard work from the pack, my dad, Rachel, Sue, Emily and Kim to even begin to get through to either of us. Charlie slowly began to see he was dishonoring Bella's memory drinking his life away, but it wasn't until Dad, ordered the pack to come and pack up Charlie's house and move him into ours- that Charlie seemed to wake up properly. Although that had been a tough day, as everyone suddenly told us they too had loved and lost Bella, but that we had all lost someone we shouldn't have, and Charlie had always been there to help each and every one of us through so it was time he let them do it for him. He refused to move into our house especially since Rachel had moved home, and was now imprinted to Paul, not that Charlie knew that part. But Dad pulled some strings and offered Charlie a house on the outskirts of La Push and Forks; Paul's old house, but it was near to Sue, who had been a rock to Charlie and near to dad. Charlie had eventually agreed that his old house held too many ghosts and he couldn't stand to be there anymore. He offered it to Paul and Rachel, and when they turned it down, to me, but I couldn't stand the idea of being there without Bella or Charlie. So we all used the need to remain on Quileute land as the excuse, to politely refrain. He ended up renting it to a young couple about to have a baby, he said it seemed fitting.

I was still a mess but Sam having ordered me to remain in Forks the day the news came through before he even told me what had happened making sure I wasn't able to leave or charge after the Cullen's, as I wanted, and with Charlie in La Push I had even fewer places to go to hide so I either went wolf and ran until someone else phased and I'd run human until I collapsed exhausted or I went and got drunk on the beach, which normally took a lot of old Quil's moonshine, mixed with any other alcohol I could find. It wasn't until Rachel had found me, drunk, and sobbing heartbrokenly talking to 'our' old driftwood tree, that she cradled me to her, letting me cry until I had sobered myself back up, and she told me with tear trails down her face that she was pregnant but she was scared beyond belief that her baby would never get to meet their uncle if I stayed on the destruction path I was on. That was the day, I finally allowed myself to cry my last tears over Bella Swan, and vowed I would live my life for the two of us, and that my baby nephew or niece's life, I would be the best uncle I possibly could be.

When I finally did pull myself together, the pack slowly began letting me patrol again, and allowing me into their thoughts again, without fear I would have another meltdown, until Embry accidently showed me Sam's conversation with Carlisle. Hearing him threatening Bella and telling them she could never come home- seemed to unleash all the anger I had bottled up and I attacked my pack brother and my Alpha, Sam had to order me to stop before I killed him. I felt my own wolf eager to take over, and fight for his rightful place but I knew I wasn't ready and backed down. He told me his reasons and had it been all of the Cullen's, I would have happily agreed but as he pointed out to me, she was a Cullen, and by telling them to stay away he was ensuring they never would come back for fear of what would happen, which meant none of my pack brothers would ever accidently kill Bella or none of our children would turn into wolves in the future. As much as it hurt I could understand his argument.

Yet here she was, here Bella was, standing in front of me, on our land as a vampire. Before I could fully register it was really her, she whispered into the wind, "It was always you Jake, I'm sorry. Goodbye".

She nodded her head as she spoke and the large burly Cullen and the blonde female emerged from the trees behind her. "Now", Bella whispers and then I see his lips move as he whispers something that looks like "Love you sis", before a clap of thunder, a plume of purple smoke billows up from James Island.

I'm remained dazed for a split second as Jax asked, "Uncle Jay- what is that pweety smoke?" making everyone else turn to look where he was pointing. Rachel grabbed Jax tightly, clutching her son closely to her, knowing exactly what that smoke meant, as the sickening realization hit me, striking me hard in the chest like a dead weight. Acid flies up from my stomach, as my stomach empties itself. Oh God, I just witnessed Bella die, no, be killed by one of the Cullens on our land, right in front of me.

"NOOOOOO!" I scream as I dash for the waves. I feel my stomach rolling again, as I shriek for Bella, praying I'm wrong and she will appear on the beach through the smoke. My yells alert everyone within a mile radius something is wrong and scaring the crap out of the elders and Charlie, who are further back on the beach. Everyone is frozen in shock and fear, as I charge through the waves screaming the name of someone who is dead or if they know she is a vampire, is someone who is banned from our lands and has been for the past four years, and five months- yesterday. I feel the pack behind me, Sam shouting for Paul and Seth to stay with the imprints. The rest follow me, as I continue to run full pelt through the water until it is deep enough to swim, the two Cullen's, have long since dived into the same water and taken off.

I can hear the pack calling out and trying to catch up but they're just a blur of noise as I concentrate on getting to the small island, where she had been only seconds ago.

I'm out of the water as soon as the water is shallow enough, jumping and ploughing through the waves, spraying water everywhere but I don't care. The smell of leech was overpowering now, how the hell couldn't we smell them on the beach? It would baffle me later, but right now the only thing my brain could fully comprehend was that Bella had been here and now she wasn't. I had long made my peace with her being a vampire. As had Charlie after we finally, after we; me, dad and Sue demanded he be told the truth, when he married Sue. Charlie had been devastated all over again and he had taken all of it her deceit, our deceit especially hard, but between the two of us we had finally made peace with her decision, mainly I think because we both missed her like hell, and although we didn't like the idea, the thought that she was somewhere in the world, under the same moon as us, breathing the same air as us, and living a life she was happy in- regardless of what she was, made it slightly easier. We just tried to think of her, as our Bells instead. We just wished we could contact her; secretly I had been trying to find the Cullen's, ever since I came out of my heartbroken comatose stage, and Charlie had been helping since he had come to terms with it, using all his police knowledge and associates. But we had only ever come up with dead ends. We tried to remain positive knowing she was happy and existed somewhere, had always made it slightly easier to accept but now… she truly was gone. I fell onto my knees, into the wet sand right in front of a pyre of purple smoke, let out a piercing heartbroken howl which matched the one I had the night he took her away from me and broke down all over again.

The pack are in chaos. I was supposed to be their leader, I had only just taken that right today and now hours later, they were already in disarray and turmoil because of me. I thought I was ready but this just proved I wasn't.

Sam took over, trying to get the pack into some sort of order, I felt someone wrap their arms around me, and was stunned that it was Rachel, how she had got past Paul I had no idea, but I was relieved for her comfort, yet again.

Emily wrapped her arms around me as Rachel rocked me and her, the mighty Alpha of a pack of spirit warriors, I sobbed.

"What the hell happened?" Rachel whispered in a strained voice, over my head. But no one answered her.

"Jake-" I heard Charlie speak. I lifted my head, blinking big swollen tears from my eyes, surprised to see almost the whole of our party here; even my dad, as Paul set his chair down with, a perplexed looking Jax sat on his lap and baby Sara cocooned in his arms.

I looked at Charlie his face had the same look I imagined was on my face only minutes ago, except I could see he had a poorly veiled look of hope on his though. I shook my head, as he fell to his knees in front of me, his hands over his face, as his body shook. Sue and Leah cradled him, mirroring Rachel, Emily and myself.

"Jake, son what happened?" my dad asked, the only one brave enough to ask what everyone wanted to know.

"She-B-she was here, dad. I saw her, and then..." my eyes flickered to the smoke and my frame shook again as the sobs racked my soul. I could feel both my heart and soul breaking all over again.

Howls echoed over and over again, as Seth's feet appeared in front of me. He hunched down so he was level with me, in his hands holding something.

"Jake, I found this. It smells like vam-eh it smells. But I can smell Bella on it too", he set a wooden box in front of me. My wolf suddenly perked up as it caught a whiff of Bella's human scent. I glanced at him, to see everyone had all moved in around us. I could see all the wolves looked half shocked and half amazed as I was. Bella had been here, and we hadn't smelled her, and not only that but she had left a box which still after nearly four and a half years still carried her human scent. I could smell the other Cullen's on the box but the only odor of Bella's was human. I knew the other wolves had picked it up as well.

"Jake was she…" Paul asked, looking down at Jax as he broke off. I nodded.

I had seen her, I had seen her golden eyes, I had seen her skin sparkle in the sunlight, I had seen her go up in a puff of smoke.

"Are you sure?" I turned and glared at him.

"YES PAUL! I AM..." pausing as my nephew glanced between me and his father, nervously. "Yes I'm sure. I saw HER", I stressed, inhaling a lungful of air. I felt like I desperately needed it, I pulled my hands through my hair, tugging it angrily as I reached the ends.

"ARGH!" I shouted.

"Jacob", my father spoke, as I whirled around to face him, as he tried to wheel his way through the wet sand, seeing his struggle I took two giant steps towards him, stopping a few feet in front of him. I had unconsciously moved myself away from the girls, as I was struggling to remain in my form, the wolves realizing had taken a step away, Sam and Seth stepping in between the imprints and I, so I did the same with my father.

"Dad I-" He held his hands up to stop me from talking. He tried to come closer, but I shook my head at him, I clutched my jaw, trying to keep myself calm. I had never in the whole time I had been a wolf struggled with spontaneously phasing, except for the actual first time. There were only four times since then I had struggled to keep my form, that day I got the wedding invite and I ran, the day she left me, the day the news came and today, every single one of them all because of her.

"Jacob tell me what you saw. Paul can you and Rac-"

"I'm going nowhere!" Rachel countered. "Emily, Kim please can you take the children for me?"

The girls nod, as Sam gave orders to the wolves under his breath. Jared and Quil took off into the trees, Seth and Embry made their way to Paul, who had Jax on his shoulders and Sara in his arms. Embry reached for Jax; Emily took Sara in her arms as both Kim and Jared's and Emily and Sam's sons, who I hadn't noticed before now, but who were wrapped around Paul's legs looking like they too had seen a ghost, quickly wrapped themselves around both their mother's legs, whimpering. Emily bent down and whispered to Junior who nodded and clasped Kim's outstretched hand. The four adults and four children began to make their way back to the beach, the long way around. Quil and Jared appeared shaking their heads in a negative response. I felt everyone breathe out as the coast was clear from any hiding vampires. Jared looked to Sam and then bound off after his heavily pregnant imprint and son. I knew Sam would also be fighting with himself, with the scent of Vampire in the air, to go to his family, but I looked at him to let him know it was okay to go he shook his head, refusing to leave, whether because he was being my beta or because he thought there was a possibility I could lose it again.

I looked at Charlie, who was now sat with his legs bent, and his head hanging between them. Sue and Leah sat on either side of him.

"I saw B- Bella. I looked straight at her, straight into her eyes. It was her, and yes she was a vampire" I bit out, my animosity directed at Paul, even though I knew he had merely been the one to ask, what everyone else wanted to.

"Son-"

"She had gold eyes, dad. It was her, but she was different, it was her face, but it wasn't. She sparkled in the sunset, her skin was pale and glimmering, her hair, was hers, but longer, more redder, than brown, her features, were more… She looked like a perfect model version of herself, had she not already been perfect", I sighed. Everyone nodded, knowing what I was trying to say. We had all seen the vampires, we all knew when they changed everything about them became more accentuated. She was a more perfect, beautiful version of herself- except she already had been perfect and beautiful to me. This version of her may have been prettier to anyone else, but to me, it would never ever be as beautiful as she was the day I last saw her laughing on first beach, blushing and glowing with happiness.

Charlie was studying me I hung my head in shame, like I was dishonoring her by trying to explain but getting it all muddled up in my attempt.

"But it was her", I muttered, dejectedly. "She spoke-" I broke off as a lump stuck in the back of my throat, as I throw up again, I've never been so desperate to wake up I am openly praying that this is a nightmare, as I feel my heartbroken heart break all over again.

UP NEXT THE HUMAN SIDE...


	4. Chapter 4

**"All That is Gold Does Not Glitter"**

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be.

by J. R. R. Tolkien.

**Tormented souls- **Human Bella POV

_Incomplete_

_**Previously**_

I'm screaming your name inside my mind hoping you will hear me but still I hear nothing, as the other voices grow louder. The only person I want is lost to me and as I scream in agony and writhe in pain. The darkness engulfs me finally taking me down, and the burning surrounds me and courses through me I scream your name one last time to save me.

**Four years later - January 14th**

The bitter wind lashed and whipped at my icy skin, howling loudly around me as I stand cutting a lonely figure, frozen and lifeless, on the wet pebbles and sand despite the sub-zero water lapping against my numb freezing feet. It was rather ironic that I look like the cold marble statues, that could easily have been my fate, and exactly what my old friends, all believe I am now I think mournfully all the while gazing longing over the small sea which divides me from the place and soon, the people I loved. I look at the one place I yearn to be yet I know I'm no longer welcome there. Instead this tiny island just off the main shore is the closest I will ever get to being there or with them ever again. I know what will happen if they find me in Washington, let alone hiding out here, practically on their land. But in truth I have been fighting the desire to return home for four very long drawn out years, and just lately that urge had become too overwhelming, I was tired of fighting it, of fighting against everything in me that had been pulling me home since the moment I had left; consequences be damned.

I had been sat here, waiting impatiently for hours, all for one last glimpse of the people that I love more than my own life, and miss more than anything I had ever known but especially him. I regard the shoreline, and even though I am hidden way out here on James Island, I can see along First Beach perfectly even with my human eyes. It looks the same except it looks even more magical and beautiful than I remembered it, maybe because of the intense longing and desire to go back and feel the familiar sand under my feet, just once more, instead of trying to escape it, or maybe it was always this beautiful and I just never really saw it. I look to the drift tree, our tree, where I had spent many a time sat there with him, or the bonfire site with all of them. It did look how I remembered it except seeing it again, hurts so much, as it makes another fissure in my already broken heart to be reminded of him.

Being haunted by thoughts or memories of him, of them, of here, of the past isn't something new. Nor has it been triggered because I am back here. I have carried my past with me, my past demons and ghosts have been present in every breath I have taken and in every dream I have had since I've been gone. My mind tortures and teases me with images constantly to the point of near insanity; of him, of us, of the possibility of what could have been, of the life I could, should have had but which was stolen from me, that night all four years ago. Yet like I did once before I actively seek them out, even when they briefly reprieve me, I need the constant reminders of him, of us, of them, of who I was when I was with him, with them. I need them like the air I breathe, so I never forget even the smallest detail of my life, of my real life, before I died. Before I became this- this shell- because that is all I am now. I know I'm alive but I'm not living, in truth I'm barely breathing. But being here makes everything more potent. It truly hits me, being this close to where he will soon be, where they will all soon be, just how much I have really lost. I know I can't go to him or any of them ever again. This is the final goodbye. I always thought, believed this separation was going be temporary, and when they told me it wasn't, it was too late, I knew I had to come back one last time. Knowing I am here to say a final last goodbye to them all, to my past, to the girl I used to be with him, destroys and tears me up inside, just like my adopted family fretted it would.

I feel every incision that the cold ruthless rusty blade of reality makes through my broken, dead heart. I snort a laugh as I think about how much they all worried that by coming here, would push me over the edge, over the precipice that I had precariously been balancing on ever since- But over the years I had welcomed gladly every image, every memory, every cut just as I did now; I wanted them I craved them to remind me just as much as I needed to see my blood to know that despite being dead and empty I was in fact still alive like him- if only physically.

**August 16****TH** – **Four years earlier**

I had been running through the darkness, stumbling and fumbling, searching for my sun, my warmth, when I felt myself being pulled back from the darkness, the vast blackness I had been swimming in. I tried to grab on to something to stay there; in the depths of nothingness but my hands grasped nothing but air and I was jolted back into my body and consciousness, only to be immediately assaulted with a violent pounding in my head, as I tried to open my eyes.

"Ugh"

"She's awake! Quick!" I heard someone shrill, making me crunch my eyes as their voice pierced through my head.

"Sorry Bella, I should have whispered" the voice spoke, followed by a familiar giggle, echoed around me. My mind recognized the voice and giggle as Alice's. I blinked in reaction to the bright light as I opened my eyes and tried to sit up, only to be stopped by Alice and a deeper masculine voice- Carlisle.

I squinted around me as I tried to adjust to the light filtering in to the room. I felt confused and dazed, not recognizing my surroundings, or why they were all staring at me so intently, so much so it was making me subconscious.

Alice and Esme dashed to and fro fluffing pillows, getting water, and such while Carlisle helped me into a slightly raised sitting position. Jasper looked nervous and Rose and Emmett had a strange expression on their faces, which was hard to read.

"Where am- where's Ed- wh-" then like someone flicked a switch inside my head everything came rushing back to me, as I noticed for the first time the IV line running into my hand, my first instinct being to rip it out.

"NO! No, no, no!" Alice flew to my side, and clutched my free hand only for me to shiver and snatch it from her icy grasp. I didn't see the pained expression as I did so, as I was already frantically searching for Edward or an escape route, as panic rushed across my chest, my heart beating faster than a hummingbird's wings, before a cloak of calm washed over me. But even that couldn't calm me completely. Jasper smiled at me, a mix of regret and pain, I remembered then he could feel everything I was experiencing but still I couldn't sympathise with him. Why shouldn't one of them feel how I was feeling? Know my true feelings, why should only I feel all these raging emotions. He stepped closer but I shook my head at him. I didn't want him touching me, or any of them touching me after what Edward had done. Nor did I want him taking away my emotions, I wanted to feel how I felt. I was fed up with people being able to mess with me.

"Bella I can ensure you _implicitly_ you are completely safe and will come to no harm from any of us" Carlisle spoke softly in his most soothing doctor's voice, as I looked like a doe in headlights up at him. Exactly how I felt- vulnerable prey in front of its dangerous predator for the first no, second time with the Cullens. It was Rose's voice or more what she said which caught my attention over Carlisle, Alice, Esme and Jasper's reassurances I was safe.

"He's gone." I looked at her, searching to see if I could detect any hint of a lie on her face but all I could see was more hatred than I could imagine ever being conveyed in a facial expression. I shrunk back in fear of her. As Emmett unwrapped his arms from her waist allowing her to step forward to the end of the bed as he did the same. I could feel my heart surge as they both stopped and the other Cullens, all stepped away from the bed, to give me some space and reassure me they meant no harm, or whether it was because my heart was too appealing I wasn't sure. I tried to pull the IV line out again, but I blinked and Carlisle was beside me again, holding my hands in place.

"Bella please you need that- I'll remove it as soon as I can but please trust me. I know-"

"I trusted Edward! I loved him and he- he-", as the memory came back of his ultimate betrayal, and a tear slid down my cheek, making me realise for the first time that I was human and wonder how it was even possible when Rose spoke again.

"He fled like the coward he is, he isn't here. I-we" she looked up at Emmett, who nodded, "won't let anything happen to you that I can vow. He won't get through any of us." I break her piercing gaze to see everyone else nodding in agreement, which only confirmed what, I had hoped had been an awful nightmare, had actually happened and as I touched my neck and felt the bandage I finally let my guard down and broke down into heart-breaking sobs.

Esme was beside me and tried to embrace me, but I shook my head and turned onto my side, rolling myself into a ball, as tightly as I could, and clamped my eyes shut as the tears fled down my cheeks and my body shook with. I heard their soft, light footsteps leave and the click of the door as they left me to cry for the boy, who I had thought loved enough I had given everything up for, only to realise, it wasn't what I wanted, only to be betrayed when he tried to turn me against my will and then fled without even staying to explain. I cried for not being strong enough to tell Edward when Jake had tried to stop me making yet another mistake, for not going after Jake, for not realising sooner, and for leaving everyone behind.

After what felt like an eternity of crying and night had turned to day I had eventually cried myself to sleep and woke groggy but coherent, as Carlisle tried to remove the IV line, with whatever he had deemed I needed, without waking me. He apologised for waking me, but the look of hurt that Esme and Alice had both worn earlier flashed across his features as I jumped at his cold touch through his gloves, making me feel bad. I needed answers I had known that last night or this morning but I hadn't been ready to confront any of them and now all I wanted was to get home as soon as possible.

"I'm sorry Carlisle" my voice was husky from the crying and heavy with sleep still. I saw his eyes flicker to the door, before he responded, quickly reassuring me I had nothing to apologise for. I knew the others were listening and probably on the other side of the door. "You can come in," I hoarsely spoke not needing to raise my voice. As I suspected they all edged their way in, they movements slow and almost extravagated not to scare me. I cursed Edward and myself for the damage my reaction yesterday.

The family quickly filled me in on the events which led up to the present. Hearing what Edward had planned and almost accomplished made me physically sick, as Rose held my hair and rubbed my back as I purged my already empty stomach contents into a rapidly produced container. Esme and Carlisle fussed over me trying to put yet another IV in me, and plumping pillows and Alice rushing to get me yet another glass of water to drink. Jasper looked uncomfortable and Emmett, who normally looked jovial, looked positively angry.

"I want to go home", was all I could rasp as I shook my head at them all.

"We are in the process of getting a new passport made for you Bella. We couldn't find either yours or Ed-", he stopped himself, as Rose growled, and a pained expression must have contorted my face, but before he could continue Alice gasped, and her eyes glazed over in the now recognizable trance like manner, that told us she was getting a vision. Jasper was at her side, whispering in her ear, before I had fully registered Alice's expression. Her already pale face seemed to drain of all colour, she let out a blood curling scream and would have dropped to her knees, if Jasper hadn't caught her, as Emmett and Carlisle both dashed to their side. Carlisle pulled his phone from his pocket, and as he looked at it I was sure a brief look of confusion contorted his features, but it was so quick I thought I must have imagined it until he announced the caller.

"It's Sam. Hello-"

"Sam-" Carlisle started but he looked down at handset, he pressed a button and put the receiver to his ear, as I asked what Sam had said, as fear gripped my insides as the others all glanced at Alice and at each other gravely.

"Dialling tone. Alice what did you-"

"Screw that, what did Sam say Carlisle?" I demanded. I didn't care what Alice had seen. She couldn't see the wolves, and they were the only ones I cared about. I already had the horrible feeling her vision was related to Edward and so was Sam's phone call in some way.

"Bella I believe they are both connected I'm just not quite-"

"Carlisle tell me what Sam said! Please" I begged. "Then Alice can tell us what other selfish thing HE has done".

Carlisle looked at Alice who nodded, having composed herself.

"NOW!" I demanded. "Otherwise I'm leaving right now. If you respect me- you won't try and protect me or lie to me you will just tell it to me straight". I looked directly at them both, glaring as meaningfully as I could, my system still woozy from whatever had been pumped into me while I slept.

However it was Rose again who spoke, "He called to tell us the treaty has now been revoked, because they had received the news about you-" she added softly, she paused waiting for the breakdown she was sure would follow her outline of Sam's brief telephone call.

"What news?" I asked tentatively as my insides churned. I was sure I knew what Sam meant but I couldn't understand how they could know what Edward had tried and why they thought it must have been successful. Carlisle was still trying to dial out- I hoped and prayed to Sam, and he would pick up so this misunderstanding could be fixed- but so far without any luck.

"It would seem" she glared up at Alice, "that someone has already informed them you are either dead or one of us from what I can gage from his eh- phone call".

"NOOOOO!" I screamed trying to climb out of the bed, but falling to the floor, as everything became too much and I fell back into a sea of blackness, once again.

When I came to, it was the following day and Carlisle admitted he had to sedate me much to my disgust. He maintained that I was still recovering and the shock had made me to somehow black out, and when I hadn't come around within the normal time frame he felt it was best to sedate me, so my brain could recover properly. He had then called Esme in and the two of them had then explained everything they had found out the night before. Edward had run after he had sensed his family arriving knowing they would be disgusted with his actions, and that Carlisle would attempt to save me, which he had. Edward fearing I wouldn't forgive him and his family disproval had fled, and until Alice's vision they had no idea where he was as he was changing his mind so quickly and with Alice side tracked with me unconscious he had managed to keep his plans hidden, until it was too late for any of them to intervene. Carlisle and Esme both looked devastated as they explained Edward had left Isle Esme, and made it to the main land, and then somehow he had managed to attack and murder an innocent couple which made me physically sick again, as both of his adoptive parents looked equally ill at ease. Having drunk their blood, he disguised them as us, before crashing the car, and burning the remains. Carlisle then summarised he must have rang ahead to Forks to notify the pack, but he wasn't sure. Alice had then seen him with the Volturi. He had told Aro he had attempted to turn me but failed, killing me instead, his blood red eyes his declaration to his failure. However Caius not believing Edward, infuriated Aro by claiming Edward had managed to fool him, and called for Edward to be held prisoner while a search party was sent to find me human or evidence of my death. Edward knowing Caius would demand this, and wanting to stop the risk of both killed Caius. Carlisle had rushed to assure me he had not only done it to protect me, but also because he couldn't live with me hating him, and knew this would cause for Aro to order him killed. Which Aro did command, but only after asking Edward to join him, Alice had told the family she had seen Edward refuse and Demetri and Felix kill him when he had refused.

After hearing Edward was dead, or even how he had tried to ensure my safety with his own death I still couldn't find it in me to forgive him or to feel anything for him, except anger and hatred. Where I had only hours- no days ago now believed I loved him with everything in me, I now only felt empty. He had tried and thankfully to the other Cullens' failed to turn me into a vampire, but he had then misled my family, my true family by informing them of my death or my change as far as Jake, the pack and Billy were concerned and no doubt caused them utter confusion and betrayal and not to mention the untold pain my parents must be feeling.

As Edward's parents rushed to reassure me I had a family and a home with them as long as I wanted, I looked at them with utter confusion.

"That's very kind, Esme, Carlisle, and I am beyond grateful for everything you have done for me, especially you Carlisle I can't thank you enough for stopping me changing. I don't know how you didn't know I wouldn't want to be changed after begging you all for so long but I am beyond grateful you did. I can guess that Alice had something to do with it. I can't even imagine how my life would have been, had you not got here in time. But I want to go home. I love you all and I am so sorry about Edward, that my mistakes, that my indecisions have caused all of this pain and hurt and- But I want to go home, back to my family in Forks. I need to let everyone know I'm okay, and I'm not only alive but human too".

As we had been talking, the other Cullens, had silently made their way into my room, all with matching grave expressions, but as Carlisle looked at me, like a child, who had not quite understood something they should have done, he gently explained that not only could I not go home but that I couldn't contact anyone to let them know the truth. Even though, he stressed they were all willing to brave Sam's threat of death if any of them or I returned to Washington- Alice had seen the Volturi would indeed investigate my death and to ensure everyone I cared about safety I had to let them believe I was dead. At least until Aro was content Edward's story was true and I was indeed dead. The risk to the pack and my father was far too great. For the second time in the same amount of days my world fell out from underneath me.

***Present day- January 14th***

Being here, only reminded me how I had ended up as an outsider looking into the world I had left behind made it all the more potent. All the familiar smells, sights and sounds of my childhood summer home, and the home of my family. I knew know, that Charlie had moved out of house he had lived in my whole life because he couldn't handle the reminders of me, Alice had said. He moved nearer to La Push and I was surprised when I found out he had married Sue Clearwater, which slowly decreased her ability to check on him, until he almost but disappeared from her visions.

So with the masses of the Cullens' money at my disposal and Jasper's expertise and impressive contact list, I had hired two private investigators to check up on both of my parents. Over the years I had managed to follow my parent's lives, well Renee's more easily than Charlie's. I knew some things but since the PI tended to stick out in La Push, her findings were not very fruitful. I did however get a photo of Charlie getting married to Sue with the pack and Billy present, about a year and a half after my- after I left. This was one of my most treasured processions along with my charm bracelet from him, minus the heart, I had given that to Esme the day they told me the whole truth, and photo of him and I at a bonfire just before the newborn fight. Alice had managed to get it from Charlie's house, on her way to Isle Esme, all those years ago, she had seen I would want it and we wouldn't be coming back to Forks. It had amazed me how the whole family had left to follow us, as soon as Alice had a vision of my future going black, almost as soon as we left. But she hadn't told the family that only that, only that they needed to get the guests out, because they would be leaving soon. It wasn't until she had seen Edward inject me, she realised something was seriously wrong. Jasper had tried to delay one of our flights with a fake drugs warning and then cancelled our last connecting flight hoping they could catch us at the last airport, but Edward had swapped for a hire car instead and that is when Alice had seen his plans.

We had left Isle Esme as soon as Carlisle deemed me acceptable to travel and Jasper had arranged fake documents, the first under Bella Cullen, had to be destroyed since I was now technically dead. Annabella Dwyer was the first of many of my aliases as we travelled and eventually settled in the middle of nowhere in Ohio, where the weather was better than Washington but still gave fairly good cloud coverage for the Cullens. Carlisle worked in the hospital there, Esme worked as a freelance architect, and I attended college for the first time with my new siblings. We all had to change our identities again, because of the Volturi, although Carlisle said it wouldn't really help, and I think really it was more to hide us from the humans we had left behind then the vampires. Jasper always arranged the documents and after they devised a new family set up, with me and Alice were Emmett's younger- non identical twin sisters, adopted by their father's brother and his wife, after our parent's died in a house fire, when we was ten, and twelve and since they enjoyed it they had later adopted Rose and Jasper, who were cousins, whose parents had died on a weekend away in a car accident. We had to change all of our names and surnames every time we moved, and even though we tried to keep to names that would allow for our real names to appear as nicknames, I became bored of the constant moving and although I didn't want to make any friends, I missed stability.

Whether people believed the story or not none of us knew, without Edward's telepathy to help the family like before. So we tried to blend in better than before, having a human amongst them, seemed to make it slightly easier or so they will tell me whenever we had a scare. Jasper finally got over his aversion to me, and other humans, what with having me constantly around, and he was able to mingle better. In fact he and Emmett played the big brother roles a little too well much to Rose and Alice's mirth. But even though the Cullens tried to fulfil the massive gap the loss of my family and the pack had left, in truth they only cemented themselves in the roles they had already carved out for themselves well all except Rosalie. Now I had finally chosen to live a human life, she had become a much loved big sister like Alice and a friend, but the more I loved them all, the more the hole grew for the ones I couldn't see. Sometimes I wondered whether I would have been better being turned, or even dying that day. Everyone's lives had irrevocably been altered that day with Edward's actions. Maybe if they had left me I may have had to pull myself out of my funk or been able to do something about it, but instead I was permanently watched over, babysat or supervised not that any of them would ever admit it.

I did love them all dearly, and they had all grown on me immensely and as grateful as I was, for them all for not only saving me and for not abandoning me, but also welcoming me into their family, and never once made me feel guilty that Edward had died because of me. I still had a vast empty abyss inside my heart that none of them could fill. They tried to make me mingle with other humans, but in all honesty I struggled with trying to pretend I was okay with the Cullens, I didn't have any more energy or any real want or need to try and spend time with anyone else. They would only end up asking questions I couldn't answer, and I was much less rehearsed or able to act like my adopted siblings. We ended up moving around several times, and although I always studied the same course, I knew my degree would always be a forged copy in whatever name I was using at the time. In truth Jasper and Carlisle were much better teachers than the professors in the colleges we attended, and after only three years I had enough credits to graduate, even with my constant moving and days of sick from being too ill to get out of bed, or through lack of wanting to go without one of the Cullens, to buffer me from the attentions or questions from my peers, that I knew I would mess up and which only lead to yet another move. I had lost a lot of weight, and now looked like the Cullens, with my sallow, pale skin- however I was very much the ugly duckling, compared to ethereal appearances of the rest of the Cullens.

After Charlie had been married and long since moved to La Push and I had finished college, Rose convinced me to travel, to see some of the world before we settled somewhere and I tried to get a job, pointing out that everyone else my age would still have another year of studying before they graduated, so I couldn't actually get a job yet, without having to explain my early degree.

I knew they all hoped that by seeing the pack, and Charlie and Renee happy in pictures would make me finally feel better or able to move on and let go. But I knew that was something I would never be able to do. Nor did I want to even try. How could I try and make a life that my parents couldn't be part of, how could I have children when my real parents could never be grandparents? I knew Carlisle and Esme would have made great grandparents but in reality I would have to let all of the Cullens go as well before I could have any kind of relationships- even friendships with anyone. It wouldn't have worked otherwise it would only lead to questions I couldn't answer. I couldn't bring anyone into my life and hide so much of myself from them and I also knew couldn't let go of the Cullens, they were my only last piece of Forks, the only last family I had, and in all truth I didn't want anyone else but Jake. I didn't want to be with anyone, have children with, spend my life with anyone else but him.

After I pointed this out the Cullens, seemed to understand my reasons and I was sure they believed when I had fully grieved the life and people I had lost, I would move on. So instead we travelled, all of us, even Carlisle and Esme, came with us, setting up homes all over, but in all honesty without studying to occupy my mind, I grew more depressed and despite all of Carlisle's knowledge, contacts and money, nothing worked and no amount of pills seemed to help. Carlisle in the end deemed it wasn't any kind of mental health problem. It was grief- plain and simple. I was mourning the ones I had lost, the life I lost, and love of my life. That was how I had ended up here, sat on this beach today, waiting for them to come down to the beach to celebrate his birthday altogether like I knew they would.

I still felt like I did that day; like I really had died that day as I watched him disappear from me, and I had died every day without him in my life. I was merely existing, I had allowed him to be taken from me, I had never fought for him, not like he had fought for me, I had let him down and even in the beginning when they had said I needed to "die" to live, I still believed one day I could go back and see him again, be with him, but as the time stretched on, that light of hope began flickering until it died completely. I knew I could never go back now. I would always bring too much danger with me. Even to the Cullens, who could defend themselves, I brought the potential of death but they vowed while I breathed they would protect me, and if I chose to leave them they would always be in the shadows looking out for me.

But I was finally mature enough to recognize I owed more to my human family then bring yet more danger to them simply for my own selfish desires. I wanted more for them and I wanted to give back to my adopted family; to give them their own lives back to them. Aro still hadn't sent a search party but he still hadn't given up the idea, and while he still remembered me, we were still hiding and running. Even the Cullens had to keep my existence from their kind quiet in case some how it got back to Aro. There was only thing I could do, to prevent any of the people I cared about being put in further danger by my existence and I knew I would do it for them, but also because it was the only thing that gave me any hope for the future.

I sat here, reflecting on how differently my life had turned out from how I had first imagined it, then how that ideal had changed when I had moved to Forks, and met Edward, and how I had envisioned it on the mountain top and his kiss, of every shared moment with him. Every place we went, every word we said, every look we shared hanging in the air, surrounding me, like ghosts' whispering and howling of the life I was supposed to have, dancing around me, taunting and mocking me. I had lost everything I needed to survive the day I lost him. In truth I had no idea how I had managed to persist this long. I finally felt like I had found the right words to tell him how I felt and now I would never get the chance. I wondered how his life had turned out, whether he had imprinted and if he was happy, if he remembered me at all, what he did now, what his imprint must look like, knowing it wasn't me, wondering if he gives her my smile, if he looks at her the way he looked at me, if he tells her the things he used to tell me, if she makes him laugh, the way he laughed with me, if he holds her like he held me, if he kisses her like he kissed me on the mountain top, does he hold her and think of me? All these thoughts spin, and loop through my head like they always do, as my heart aches and breaks, and the tears rush down my face, as the sea breeze twist and turns my hair making it wound around my face and neck.

I hear the party of people approaching the beach before I see them as they make their way towards the gathering place where a few people I didn't recognise have already collected around the bonfire blazing on the beach.

My heart races in my chest, a lumps sticks in my throat as I catch sight of them; my friends, my loved ones, the ones I left behind that night so foolishly, thinking I would see them all again, that I could come back and make it up to them, that I would be able to explain it all to them. I never imagined that my decision to leave with Edward, so we were far enough away, that I could explain in private; away from supernatural hearing, would end like this. That I would be forced to give them all up; to live a shadow of a life, not really as a human and luckily enough thanks to Carlisle not as a vampire either, instead I was this hollow empty vessel. I had learnt an imperative lesson in the last four years, it isn't where you are, or who you are that matters but it's the people you have around you who make your life what it is. It was a harsh lesson to learn the hard way, without any of the people I wanted to be with in my life, and although the Cullens, tried to fill the void, Edward had caused, they knew they couldn't fill the gaping vacant crater, my parents, friends and HE, had left in my life. If I was honest, I think I could survive anything with him by my side, and as much as it devastated me not having my mother or my father in my life it was the loss of not having my best friend, my constant, my sun, the person, I finally realised I loved and was in love with, and wanted to spend my life with, had left me even more catatonic then when Edward had left me. But this time it was far worse the because even though I was always surrounded by people who cared for me, and who knew everything this time without him to even talk too or not being able to let him know I was human, was killing me inside and left me feeling even more lonely then I ever had in my whole life.

All I wanted was to be where he was, I didn't even care where that was. As long as I was with him I knew I would be whole. Instead I felt like I was literally missing my heart, that the life and soul of me had been sucked out of me. And the only person who could save me either thought I was dead or hated me and believed I had chosen death over him. In truth without him I had lost everything.

My life may have gone on, I may have aged, as had he but I hadn't lived a life, I was just floating, treading water hoping and praying for a miracle to make it so all of this was a bad dream. I would happily surrender everything I was to be with him again just for one moment in time, just long enough to tell him I had chosen him, and that I was sorry, to be able to say goodbye to him. I had spent the last four years waiting for the day I got to go home, but instead I was waiting for the right time to say goodbye because I can't imagine living another day without him in my life.

I wrapped my arms around me, trying to feel some warmth in my cold bones as I watch them all frolic carelessly on our beach. The scene making my already dead heart splinter, and break all over again as tear after tear falls down my face silently. How is it even possible for a broken heart to break all over again?

I had no idea what they would do to me, if they were to found me but I knew they would kill the Cullens, and even though a small part of me, hopes that the pack did find me- I know that the risk to all their lives is too great. I am willing to endure hell to see them, to reassure them all, but I'm not willing to risk their lives. Nor do I want to cause them anymore pain. So as much as it pains me I can't risk them seeing me, but the need to see them, to see him, has only magnified ever since I woke up to this dead existence, four years ago, and that is why I had to come today I can't continue like this I need closure in the only way I knew how.

I never thought I would regret every decision I had ever made up to this point or wish I had never met Edward and the Cullens, as much as I loved them, like siblings, and adoptive parents, but if I could go back in time I would. I've even tried praying to everyone I could think despite not being religious in the childish hope of a miracle or waking up and finding it all to be a dream. But if there is a God, I'm guessing this is my punishment for wishing away my humanity. Instead I'm stuck in the middle of both worlds, and not really either; no longer human and not supernatural.

Thinking back to all the times I didn't listen and instead shrugged of the numerous warnings even from Edward himself, I didn't think anything of it, I foolishly thought I was in love, couldn't think that it was even possible to love anyone more than- him- I feel fury surge as my fists curl in on themselves. The anger, the hate hasn't decreased over time, the same as my love for the people on the beach hadn't lessened, instead I was living a nightmare of loving someone I longed to be with, to see or hear, for a father and a mother I wanted nothing more than to speak to, to embrace once more or be able to say 'I love you', for friends I wanted to grow old with.

I feel my whole being feels like it is going to swell and break under the weight of the emotions I feel from watching them all, as I stay hidden here. Watching, observing like the outsider that I am. My vision blurs with the unstoppable pools of tears as my frame rocks as sobs erupt from me, despite my attempts to keep them inside, like I do every night, knowing they can all hear me with their special hearing, but no one acknowledges them, or the nightmares, even though I know they each take it in turns to sneak into my room and sit in the duplicate rocking chair Esme made me thinking it would help; until I asked them to burn it stating it was too much of a reminder from home, but in truth it reminded me too much of Edward. Now they stand on guard outside my door, only entering to soothe me when I scream out for him or Charlie, wearing clothes because their icy touch only makes me scream louder.

I look across the water at the people, I knew would be here tonight celebrating, and even though I know deep down they have all long since said their goodbyes to me, I need to do this for me. I needed to find some peace. I knew this would be the perfect time for me to see them all one last time, memorize each and everyone of their faces, see how they had grown and changed and say my final goodbyes, something else that had been stolen from me; I never did nor would I ever get to come back like I swore to myself I would over and over. I would never get to set it all straight, but today was my way of rectifying that- I needed to follow through one of the promises I had made, even if he knew nothing about it.

I wipe my eyes and glance towards my rucksack that I carried with me everywhere I went, sat on the sand, safely tucked away from the water. It contained my life; my old one and this one, the notebook I kept all my alias in so I'd never forget them not that I could since it was their names I used, as well as all my secret thoughts and feelings, the few photographs I had, and most importantly the small wooden box, the same one I had stored my letters in before my life had been turned upside down and ripped away from me. That selfish prick may have wrecked everything that night, after- but he had never found my confessions. Instead I had brought them with me today, with the other letters I had written to them, with all the cards, postcards and photographs I had added over the years for every birthday, for every Christmas I had missed with them. The box was now rammed with everything I had collected over the years, to show them they had never left my thoughts or my heart, even though I had to leave their lives, they never left mine. I had also left letters for the others. It was only fair.

I sucked a large inhale of air to try and steady my raging emotions, I still hadn't managed to lose all my human quirks as Emmett said I would by living with a house full of vampires, I smiled as I thought of my big bear of a brother.

I gasp as I finally see him, as goose bumps run up and down my skin and my cold, numb body shakes with the tears I thought would have stopped by now, but they seem unstoppable where he is concerned. He looks different yet the same. My mind may have tortured and plagued me with images of him, for the past four years, however they are nothing compared to the real thing even though I seem to be miles away from him. I can make out his sunny smile, his beautiful face, as the things he once told me, the way he felt, his love all come flooding back tenfold taunting me with images of what could have been the life I could have had; with him, in his arms, loved, adored, laughing and smiling, and things I hadn't felt since he let me go that night.

As I stand mesmerized by him, my memories have nothing on the beauty that he is in the flesh. I recalled that night, when I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life, how it felt letting him go as he was pulled away from me, how I had struggled to get to him but allowed myself to be led away, and only to wake up and have everything I had never known I wanted until it was too late torn away from me.

My reflection shimmers in the sea below, I let out a long sigh, I don't even look like my old self, my hair is cut short around the sides and back, with only a floppy fringe and is now a dark brown, without any of the natural red highlights the sun used to give it. I look thinner, my skin is sallow and paler, there is no glow or colour in my cheeks. Yet the true difference is the change in my eyes. There is no glint, or twinkle like there used to be. They look dead. There really were windows to my empty soul.

I knew today was the day, I hated my existence. In truth it wasn't worth living without him in it, even though my new family had tried, it wasn't the same without him. I couldn't stand the idea of living for a life time just for the sake of saying I had lived one. But I had no desire to be changed and live an eternity as something he detested and hated and the thought of being one, repulsed me. I would never want to be like that selfish bastard. It just made me even more determined to follow through with my plans, I resolved as I drunk the last of the bottle of liquor I had brought with me and had slowly been drinking while I waited.

That was the reason I had come today, I wanted to be as close to him as possible, I had laid my heart and soul into the letters in my box. I had told him the truth, how much I regretted everything, every mistake, every lie, every stupid misunderstanding, how I had changed my mind, how I had finally realized he had been right, how I had chosen him, how I was coming back to him but it had been taken out my hands, I wanted him to know- needed him to know everything. And that was why I had poured my heart out into every letter I had ever wrote to all of them in the wooden case sat behind me, for him to find when they would get the message in the future. But just knowing it was going to be here, buried on this island as close to him as I could leave it. I had instructed a lawyer with the details to only be released when he was notified by my next of kin, in this case Jasper. He was the only one who had helped me with plans for the future. Rose and Alice would never have helped so sure they were, I would wake up one day and be okay. Carlisle and Esme had already lost one child, they couldn't bare the idea of losing another, even though they knew I wanted to stay human, and knew one day they would have to say goodbye to me, either because I wanted a proper human life or through old age, and Emmett had probably taken to me, more than even Alice, and in truth he was the one I felt absolutely devastated to say goodbye to. I knew he would understand but as much as I loved them all, he was the only one who had left fingerprints on my heart the way the pack had.

Suddenly his deep chuckle rips me from my thoughts, as it carries across the sea by the wind. The pack are throwing him into the air, over and over, shouting the number of birthdays he has had, throwing him higher and higher, as our friends, no his friends, laugh along with him. I see my father, and heart jumps, and I have to remind myself to stay rooted to my spot here. Charlie looks older, his hair is greying, and his moustache is littered with grey and white hairs. But he looks happy, thankfully, as he stands laughing next to Billy, holding on to a toddler, with black shiny hair, who is clapping and laughing gleefully. I realize this image suits him. Charlie would have made a good grandfather I think sadly, yet something else that was stolen from him, along with me. My gaze falls to his father who is holding a small baby, swaddled in a pink blanket. A look of pure love, adoration shines from Billy's face as he looks down at the small bundle, that must be his grandchild as he laughs as the group of strong men and one woman, finally yell "and one for luck" before throwing his son, up into the air one final time, before they all step back. The muscled, tanned young man flies through the air, and flips at the last moment onto his feet before he hits the floor.

I smile at his wide beaming smile, the first time I have smiled, this smile, his smile for the first time. As I try and commit his unforgettable sunny smile to memory, that same smile I used to think of mine, as it gleams in the bonfire light. The little boy wiggles from Charlie's embrace, all the while squealing "me, me, my turn!" and runs clumsily towards the man, who laughs my laugh, the one I used to love to make him laugh as he swoops down to pick up the little boy.

"Little Will wants to fly does he?" that familiar husky voice asks, making another chunk of my heart break away, but it's at that moment I see their matching smiles, identical eyes, and duplicate faces, as they laugh the same laugh and my legs give way and I fall to my knees, and even though it kills me I can't look away as the child shouts "Higher, higher!" turn to cries for his momma.

Horror fills me, as I see a beautiful lady emerge from the mass, running to where he is holding the child, and devastation fills me as I see her laughing at the pair as she swats his bulging bicep, and wraps her arms around them both, and he settles the boy between them, before wrapping his own arm around her and kissing her on the head, like he used to do to me, and I feel the last wretched remains of my heart crumble into nothing.

"Bella, come on sweetheart let's bury your chest and leave" A soft voice asks from the shadows behind me I nod yes. More now than ever I am ready for whatever awaits me on the other side. I have seen him and Charlie one last time, like I wanted. I've seen them both happy. That's what I wanted- even if it is the most painful experience I have ever had to endure. I would gladly take these four years of hell every day for an eternity then feel how I feel right now for even a second longer. I can hear Emmett digging under the tree like I asked. I see a flurry of movement as Rose takes the box from the bag.

I can hear the little boy shrieking with laughter again and I can't take anymore. I stagger trying to stand up, still holding my bottle of whiskey, I have laced with all my crushed up anti-depressants and sleeping pills medicine bag. I can feel it taking effect finally.

Emmett grabs me, thinking it's the alcohol, his normally joking about being a light-weight is amiss and he is unusually sombre, "Come on lil sis, let's go home." I want to tell him I am home, that I don't want to go but my voice doesn't come, as I don't trust it to speak.

I gaze across the sea one last time and I see the little boy pat his mother's face and pointing across the sea to something shimmering in the sunset, "Look momma", I see Jacob turn to look as well as his eyes lock with my chocolate brown eyes I know he will recognise for the first time in such a long time and for last time, as I whisper to the ghosts of the sea to carry my words of regret, "It was always you Jake, I'm sorry". His face will be the last thing I see. Just as I had planned all along.

"Em-youknolurvesyouanRoz? " I slur as my limp fingers drop the empty bottle to the wet sand next to my rucksack, abandon in the sand as Emmett realises the wolves have seen us, he rushes through the trees to the hidden speed boat, where Rose will be already waiting. They had towed it here with me in it earlier, before they had swam away to remain undetected while I hid in the trees. So none of us would be sensed until I had done everything I needed to do. I must have taken too long for them to come and find me.

Emmett tries to adjust me, gently, "Yes" he hesitates as he looks at me properly, "Lil Sis are you okay?" I hear the worry in his voice, but I finally feel nothing.

I try to answer "imsorryiluvejat…cant…wioutem" as my eyes roll into the back of my head, and everything finally goes dark. I feel the air whooshing past me and I hear him call my name as my soul takes it's last few breathes.

My last thought is of his sunny smiling face, but I don't feel free like I hoped I would; I feel like my soul is being ripped in half.


End file.
